Back to school

Good afternoon everyone! Happy Friday!

It’s been a little while since I’ve written and I do apologize for that. I’ve been a little busy with a few things. Please, let me explain.

Since my last blog post, I have moved into a sweet little apartment in Toronto, Ontario all by myself! It’s a one bedroom apartment in the basement of a cute little home. I am absolutely in love with it, and the landlady and her family are the most beautiful human beings I have ever met. I still have lots to decorate, but for now, it’s absolutely perfect!

On another note, beginning this new school year, the third year in my journalism degree program has been one that has brought up some challenges and definitely made me do some deep thinking about what I want to do and how I want to continue on this journey. So far, I am choosing to stick with my education. It’s been a vital part of my entire life, and I cannot imagine giving up when I’m almost at the finish line.

It’s going to be tough, but I am going to put everything I have into these last two years of my education, and I am going to prove to myself that I am capable of anything that I put my mind to. Forza Elena! (It’s Italian, look it up LOL!)

Within this great big decision to continue on with school, I am also making the decision to keep blogging as much as I can. During this break from writing (and podcasting), I have realized that it is my saving grace. It feeds my soul in ways I cannot explain, and without it, I have been so lost and stuck, in a way. So to make sure that I am doing what my body needs, I am vowing to send out a blog post as often as I can while I plow away at my school assignments. It may not be every week, but as long as I keep writing whenever I possibly can, I think I’ll be okay.

In regards to my podcast, I will try to get back on the air as soon as I can. Unfortunately, that takes a little bit more time and effort for me to do, but I will do my best to keep up with it as much as I can. Stay tuned for updates on it.

One last thing, I appreciate all your love and patience with me. It’s been a huge struggle for me this past year, and I am so grateful to have this platform as a means of sharing my story, and I could not have been more blessed to have such great feedback. So thank you, to all of you who read my words and understand my story. Thank you for your lovely comments and thank you for your continued support. I am forever thankful.

Xoxo

-E

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Week 1

Hey, everyone!

I’m so sorry I’ve been silent this past week. Getting settled into the treatment centre has been a bit challenging for me.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would put up a post about my first day here at the treatment centre. Little did I know my first day was rougher than I thought it would be. It was awful, actually. So in light of this, I’ve decided to write about my first week instead of my first day, since I think it will be less triggering for me to recall.

During my first week here at the centre, I have experienced so many emotions, and I have honestly no idea how to process them. It’s been one hell of a time adjusting to the way things are around here. I’m still trying to fit in. Being here is triggering for me, but I’m trying to work through that as best as I can.

I’ve been trying to stay active, and I’m reading and journaling every day so that I can hopefully keep my spirits up. I may post my journal entries from each day once I leave but I’m still debating on doing that. I’ll keep you guys updated on that later on.

The groups I have to attend are okay. I find myself not able to focus on them though which is a bad thing I guess. Maybe it’s the medications, but I just can’t figure out why I can’t keep my head straight on anything. It’s getting annoying actually.

The meals here are a hit and miss. Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re not. At least I’m not starving.

Honestly, I still don’t know if this program is the right one for me. I keep trying to tell myself it’s going to get better, but I don’t feel like it will. I still have moments when I want to go home. These moments overtake my mind and won’t stop screaming at me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want the help so I can get better, but I want a different help than what the centre is offering. Ugh! The struggle is real, as they say.

Anyways, this is just a little update about what’s been going on. Hopefully, my second week will be better.

Sending lots of love and good vibes to all of you.

Xoxo

-E

​’Finding Elena’ NOW AVAILABLE

Well, here we are, my dear friends. I’m finally able to take a deep breath and say, “It’s finished! My book ‘Finding Elena‘ is NOW AVAILABLE.

OH, MY GOD. HOW COOL IS THAT? I AM BEYOND EXCITED FOR THIS RELEASE.

This book is a huge accomplishment for me. I have poured my life, my heart, and my soul into these pages and I am overwhelmed with excitement that it is finally published. The continuous work I have put in has finally paid off.

I am also very grateful to my family, my friends and my publishing team for all of their support, love, and efforts to make this book possible. I could not have done it without them. My family has been there for me every step of the way, and I could not be more in debt to them for everything they have done for me. My friends have been there for me and shown me so much love even when I was down, and I am grateful for their kindness. My publishing team has been diligently working hard to make sure my standards were met and that the book looks amazing.

I am just so thankful to be able to do this, and so blessed to be able to share it with all of you.

So here it is. ‘Finding Elena.’ My heart and soul splayed out on white pages for you. My everything in the grasp of your hands. Get your copy today!

Finding Elena is available on Createspace. Soon to be available on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: https://www.createspace.com/7164582

xoxo

-E

PODCAST IS LIVE!

Everyone! My first episode of my podcast is out NOW!!! Check it out! 🎙 Link is below.

Book 2

Here is a small exerpt from the first chapter of book 2! I have already started writing it, yes, and I am so excited to share this with you all! Book 2 will be out later this year.

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After a while the words just fall; fall out of my hand onto the paper like a thick, molasses-like substance. Fall out of my mouth like hot lava. The words singe the fraying curtains and send sparks flying when they hit the hardwood floor.

My quiet, Toronto-based one bedroom apartment is simple really. Hardwood floors, patterned throw pillows on a velveteen couch, patterned quilts on a queen sized bed, books, and papers stacked high all around and placed somewhat neatly on shelves, a rustic kitchen that does the trick, a bathroom complete with glass doors to enclose the water from the shower, and finally, a balcony that looks out onto the loud and busy streets of Toronto. My little sanctuary, my home.

I moved here after finishing my bachelor of honors degree in journalism at Humber Lakeshore. I am currently working as a columnist for Vice Canada. I occasionally write features and do audio pieces such as podcasts, but for the most part, I write columns. I’m hoping to do more work with audio journalism soon, but for now print is where I am going to stay.

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Hope you enjoyed! Stay tuned for more updates on when my first book will be published (hopefully soon!) as well as for when my second book will debut. Thank you to all my readers for the support and love you show. It is an honour to have you in my life and I hold a special place for you in my heart. Thank you, thank you, thanl you!

xoxo

-E

Undone

I am undone

At the thought

Of you

In the arms of

Someone else

Come back

Please

Come back

-E

Self-love and Acceptance

To love your body for what it is and what it does for you is something that many people struggle with. In fact, I have only met one person who is okay and happy with themselves in my entire life. This is something that pains me because as a beautiful and talented human species, we should love ourselves for what our bodies are able to do.

Self-love. The act of loving your own person without question or judgment. Acceptance. The act of knowing what your body is capable of, and understanding what it is not able to do, and being okay with that; whatever that is.

For me, self-love and acceptance of myself have been a major struggle throughout my entire life. I never liked how I looked or what I wore or how I was. I still don’t. I look in the mirror and cringe at the fat that hangs from my stomach because I can’t control my binge-eating disorder.

My relationship with food has never been a good one. Ever since I was little, it has been a constant battle between eating the right foods and having control of the portions on my plate. It has also been a humiliating experience. Family members telling you to stop eating because you’re getting fat, family members taking food away from you because they know you’ll eat it. Family members saying you got bigger and need to lose weight. Family members always saying something about your weight or the food your eating or telling you to exercise or looking at you funny and lying to you about how you look. Yes, I have had it all.

I’m crying as I’m writing this because it is so painful. I have so much self-hatred for my impulsivity and lack of control with food. I have such a hard time admitting to myself and others that I need help with this. Although, just because I need help with it, Does NOT give people the right or the ability to say something to me about it. Those words that those family members said stung like acid in my eyes.

I know I have to accept myself the way I am at some point but I don’t know when that will be or how it will happen. I guess I’m just going to have to play the waiting game on that one. For now, I think I’m going to focus on self-love. I have a book about it, so I’m going to make an effort to read it and try to follow some of the suggestions that might be written in this book. I have yet to even crack it open and look at the inside cover. Not a good start but I’ll get there at some point… At least I hope I will.

To love yourself is a beautiful thing. I wish I could love all of me, but so far, I have only just started accepting minor imperfections of myself. I won’t go into details but accepting these imperfections is a HUGE step for me. I am so proud that I am able to be okay with these little perfect mistakes that are part of me and make me who I am.

Below are some photos that I believe are a fantastic start to spreading awareness about body positivity and self-worth.

“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.” – Wear Your Label

I have shared these images previously on social media to convey a message that it’s okay to not be a size zero. It’s also okay to have cellulite and stretch marks. It’s all okay. And if you are a size zero and everywhere in between, I want you to know that it’s okay too. You are beautiful at any size. I am not a size zero, and I will probably never be a size zero, and that’s okay! I have friends that are a size zero, and I love them with all my heart. I also have friends that are not a size zero, and I also love them with all my heart.

For me, self-image is a large part of my insecurity, depression and social anxiety (thanks for that, BPD). But even though I don’t like what I see in the mirror, that does NOT negate the fact that I have beautiful qualities. The same goes for you. You are beautiful even though your eyes and your brain are trying to tell you that you’re not.

SO DON’T LISTEN TO THEM. THEY’RE BOTH LIARS.

Listen to me right now, at this very moment, you are the oldest you have ever been. You are also the most beautiful and developed that you have ever been. Do NOT let your mind wander to negative self-talk. Control your mind to think good thoughts about yourself and do NOT relapse. This is where the real work comes in. Loving yourself is hard work! Put in the time and do whatever you need to do to feel okay with yourself. You will not regret it, I promise.

Xoxo

-E