Being a busy bee

Good afternoon my loves!

I have to say, this week has been SUPER busy for me. I was in the newsroom regularly, as well as I was out in the city filming and doing what journalists do best. I did not stop for four days straight. It was intense but yet, exhilarating because I was doing what I loved most.

I’m finding it much easier to accept the fact that my chosen profession is always up and running. News never stops, and neither do journalists. As a journalist myself, I can attest to that. I never cease to work.

Luckily, I have this weekend to rest and recuperate, before heading back into the fire Monday morning. So, how do I plan to spend my weekend? Well, I will definitely be reading a good book while drinking many cups of hot coffee and tea. Also, my family is coming to visit me tomorrow which will give me some much-needed family time.

I look forward to having tranquil few days. How are you guys spending your weekend? Let me know in the comments below.

-E

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How could they?

So many words are trapped within a mind littered with shards of glass so thin; banging against the iron walls, screaming for a way out, slicing open old wounds to try to ease the pain of what was done unto you; that evil that was forced upon you… How could they let this happen? How could they?

-E

Reflections of a BPD warrior

This year, 2017, has been the year of worst moments for me. From a rough breakup at the beginning of the year, to an overdose, to a hospitalization period, to months of major depression, to another hospitalization period, to more months of major depression while trying to stay in school. All while at the mercy of multiple medications that have practically turned my brain into mush.

PURE MADNESS.

My body and my soul have been washed away by pills upon pills of toxic substances that have plagued my mind. With no control over what happens, I am forced to take everything as it comes. Every memory lost, every unfocused moment, every blank stare, every pound gained, all of it.

As strong as I am, at times I can’t help but feel as though I am losing something. Perhaps I am losing myself. Losing my own sense of belonging in this world. Losing a battle I no longer wish to fight.

The feeling of falling comes to mind; as if I’m tumbling down with nothing to save me. Each day a new beginning but each day a failed attempt to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and soul and make them whole again. No matter how hard I try, there just isn’t a light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Days go by, and I barely notice as the time passes. This is not normalcy. This is not real life. But what constitutes as normal? I believe that there is no such definition since the world is filled with so many unique ways of living. This may seem off topic, but it correlates with what I am experiencing. I am not experiencing “normalcy.” I am experiencing an utterly complicated and twisted form of life that only those who suffer from similar kinds of this life will understand.

Recovery is no simple path. For me, it has been one hell of a journey. I am still in recovery and in no way through it. Some days are blurred and uncontrollable, others have more clarity. I suspect that there will be many more of these days before I can genuinely see a difference in my quality of life. But until then, I am forced to do nothing but take it one day at a time and fight each battle as it comes.

-E

The Anxious and the Depressed

We are the anxious and the depressed, the forgotten and the unheard.

We are the missing faces, the ones who long to be found.

We are the stragglers you leave behind, trying to find our way.

We are the family members and friends you call ‘weird’ or ‘unreliable.’

We are the courageous people who walk in pain and agony.

We are the warriors who fight battles every day.

We are the mighty, the ones who will overcome this.

We are the souls who will one day rest in peace.

-E

A little inspiration

Leaving behind what makes you happy can be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do in your lifetime. Hopefully, it will never happen to you. If it does, I’m so sorry you had to give up on something you really wanted. Life can be a real bitch sometimes. Sorry, pardon my bad language. But it really is true, you know.

Time and time again, I have thought about quitting my university studies and just running. Running from all the noise and the mess that has become the reality of what I have called life for the past 3 years. What one hell of a ride it’s been.

With all the crazy stuff that’s been happening, I have spent many sleepless nights thinking, ‘Am I making the right choice to stay in school?’ ‘What would happen to me if I left and did something else?’ ‘Would I survive walking away from journalism, the only profession I aspire to work in?’

And even then, with all this doubt in my mind, I can never seem to pull myself away from that rush of excitement when I get to work on a new assignment that involves combining all sorts of new media and writing. The spark I feel inside when I hear the words “author” or “writer” or “editor” or “journalist” is exhilarating. I get that child-like excitement, and my heart even skips a beat. It’s really quite something.

But what’s funny is that right now, even without my degree or an official job as a journalist at an established publication, I am a writer. I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember which in all reality and sensibility would make me a writer would it not? And I am also an author, for which I wrote my first novel “Finding Elena” that has been a moving success over the last few months. And I am also a journalist (in training since I am in j-school), but a journalist all the same. I have yet to achieve the title of “editor,” but I suppose that will come in time.

Even though I have thought about quitting journalism, I won’t. I am strong enough to withstand the pressures that university life is throwing at me. I am capable of anything I put my mind to.

I think the point I am trying to make here is DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM YOURSELF. Do not walk away from your dreams. Do not let your fears stop you from achieving all that you are able to. Do not limit yourself based on what you believe you can or cannot do. It is okay to ask for help if you need it. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of courage.

If you are going to walk away, my advice to you is to walk away from your doubts and fears. Walk away from your insecurities and setbacks. Walk away from negativity and just do what makes you happy. Happy people make the world a better place so, defy the odds and shine bright like a diamond, as Rihanna would say.

-E

Back to school

Good afternoon everyone! Happy Friday!

It’s been a little while since I’ve written and I do apologize for that. I’ve been a little busy with a few things. Please, let me explain.

Since my last blog post, I have moved into a sweet little apartment in Toronto, Ontario all by myself! It’s a one bedroom apartment in the basement of a cute little home. I am absolutely in love with it, and the landlady and her family are the most beautiful human beings I have ever met. I still have lots to decorate, but for now, it’s absolutely perfect!

On another note, beginning this new school year, the third year in my journalism degree program has been one that has brought up some challenges and definitely made me do some deep thinking about what I want to do and how I want to continue on this journey. So far, I am choosing to stick with my education. It’s been a vital part of my entire life, and I cannot imagine giving up when I’m almost at the finish line.

It’s going to be tough, but I am going to put everything I have into these last two years of my education, and I am going to prove to myself that I am capable of anything that I put my mind to. Forza Elena! (It’s Italian, look it up LOL!)

Within this great big decision to continue on with school, I am also making the decision to keep blogging as much as I can. During this break from writing (and podcasting), I have realized that it is my saving grace. It feeds my soul in ways I cannot explain, and without it, I have been so lost and stuck, in a way. So to make sure that I am doing what my body needs, I am vowing to send out a blog post as often as I can while I plow away at my school assignments. It may not be every week, but as long as I keep writing whenever I possibly can, I think I’ll be okay.

In regards to my podcast, I will try to get back on the air as soon as I can. Unfortunately, that takes a little bit more time and effort for me to do, but I will do my best to keep up with it as much as I can. Stay tuned for updates on it.

One last thing, I appreciate all your love and patience with me. It’s been a huge struggle for me this past year, and I am so grateful to have this platform as a means of sharing my story, and I could not have been more blessed to have such great feedback. So thank you, to all of you who read my words and understand my story. Thank you for your lovely comments and thank you for your continued support. I am forever thankful.

Xoxo

-E

Week 1

Hey, everyone!

I’m so sorry I’ve been silent this past week. Getting settled into the treatment centre has been a bit challenging for me.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would put up a post about my first day here at the treatment centre. Little did I know my first day was rougher than I thought it would be. It was awful, actually. So in light of this, I’ve decided to write about my first week instead of my first day, since I think it will be less triggering for me to recall.

During my first week here at the centre, I have experienced so many emotions, and I have honestly no idea how to process them. It’s been one hell of a time adjusting to the way things are around here. I’m still trying to fit in. Being here is triggering for me, but I’m trying to work through that as best as I can.

I’ve been trying to stay active, and I’m reading and journaling every day so that I can hopefully keep my spirits up. I may post my journal entries from each day once I leave but I’m still debating on doing that. I’ll keep you guys updated on that later on.

The groups I have to attend are okay. I find myself not able to focus on them though which is a bad thing I guess. Maybe it’s the medications, but I just can’t figure out why I can’t keep my head straight on anything. It’s getting annoying actually.

The meals here are a hit and miss. Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re not. At least I’m not starving.

Honestly, I still don’t know if this program is the right one for me. I keep trying to tell myself it’s going to get better, but I don’t feel like it will. I still have moments when I want to go home. These moments overtake my mind and won’t stop screaming at me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want the help so I can get better, but I want a different help than what the centre is offering. Ugh! The struggle is real, as they say.

Anyways, this is just a little update about what’s been going on. Hopefully, my second week will be better.

Sending lots of love and good vibes to all of you.

Xoxo

-E