Check-in

Hey, everyone,

I’m sorry I’ve been silent this past couple of weeks. I’ve been busy at the treatment centre trying to get better. This is just to check-in with you guys to let you know I’m doing okay, and that I’ll be here for another few weeks before I go back to university. Hope you’re all doing well. Sending good vibes your way.

Xoxo

-E

Week 1

Hey, everyone!

I’m so sorry I’ve been silent this past week. Getting settled into the treatment centre has been a bit challenging for me.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would put up a post about my first day here at the treatment centre. Little did I know my first day was rougher than I thought it would be. It was awful, actually. So in light of this, I’ve decided to write about my first week instead of my first day, since I think it will be less triggering for me to recall.

During my first week here at the centre, I have experienced so many emotions, and I have honestly no idea how to process them. It’s been one hell of a time adjusting to the way things are around here. I’m still trying to fit in. Being here is triggering for me, but I’m trying to work through that as best as I can.

I’ve been trying to stay active, and I’m reading and journaling every day so that I can hopefully keep my spirits up. I may post my journal entries from each day once I leave but I’m still debating on doing that. I’ll keep you guys updated on that later on.

The groups I have to attend are okay. I find myself not able to focus on them though which is a bad thing I guess. Maybe it’s the medications, but I just can’t figure out why I can’t keep my head straight on anything. It’s getting annoying actually.

The meals here are a hit and miss. Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re not. At least I’m not starving.

Honestly, I still don’t know if this program is the right one for me. I keep trying to tell myself it’s going to get better, but I don’t feel like it will. I still have moments when I want to go home. These moments overtake my mind and won’t stop screaming at me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want the help so I can get better, but I want a different help than what the centre is offering. Ugh! The struggle is real, as they say.

Anyways, this is just a little update about what’s been going on. Hopefully, my second week will be better.

Sending lots of love and good vibes to all of you.

Xoxo

-E

Real talk

I’ve been struggling a lot internally lately. I haven’t been feeling the greatest these past few weeks either. I know I’m supposed to be getting better every day since I’m in recovery but I don’t feel better. I think I feel myself getting worse; if that’s even possible.

My mind refuses to shut off. Each thought is a stab to my heart. My motivation is down, and I can barely get off the couch some days. I’m having a hard time coping with my roller coaster emotions that keep hitting me like a wall. My insides are screaming, “help me!” “Save me!” But I don’t think anyone is listening.

This is why I have made the conscious decision to help myself even more. I have decided to go to a facility in the Guelph, Ontario area for more treatment. This has been a huge decision on my part as well as my family, but I believe it will be of help to my mental health and overall well being in the long run.

The program is 56 days, and I will participate in this program up until school resumes in September. Starting on Wednesday, I will be working extra hard towards feeling better and making sure I am prepared for all that life has to throw at me in the future.

Do not worry, I will continue to blog and podcast as much as I can while I am there. Although my focus will be on my recovery, I will not forget you, my wonderful readers and listeners. So, stay tuned for the ‘Day one’ blog post I’ll write later this week once I get settled in. You won’t want to miss out on that.

So, am I ready for this? I don’t know. I may get fed up with the whole idea and come home in a few weeks. Who knows? But do I need to do this? Yes. I need to try. I need to do this for me. I need to work on myself to make myself better. This is so important. This is what will hopefully give me a push in the right direction. I hope you all understand.

Many thanks,

-E

​’Finding Elena’ NOW AVAILABLE

Well, here we are, my dear friends. I’m finally able to take a deep breath and say, “It’s finished! My book ‘Finding Elena‘ is NOW AVAILABLE.

OH, MY GOD. HOW COOL IS THAT? I AM BEYOND EXCITED FOR THIS RELEASE.

This book is a huge accomplishment for me. I have poured my life, my heart, and my soul into these pages and I am overwhelmed with excitement that it is finally published. The continuous work I have put in has finally paid off.

I am also very grateful to my family, my friends and my publishing team for all of their support, love, and efforts to make this book possible. I could not have done it without them. My family has been there for me every step of the way, and I could not be more in debt to them for everything they have done for me. My friends have been there for me and shown me so much love even when I was down, and I am grateful for their kindness. My publishing team has been diligently working hard to make sure my standards were met and that the book looks amazing.

I am just so thankful to be able to do this, and so blessed to be able to share it with all of you.

So here it is. ‘Finding Elena.’ My heart and soul splayed out on white pages for you. My everything in the grasp of your hands. Get your copy today!

Finding Elena is available on Createspace. Soon to be available on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: https://www.createspace.com/7164582

xoxo

-E

BOOK UPDATE

Hello, everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve said anything about my book coming out and I want to make sure you’re all up to date with what’s going on. Don’t worry, YES I am still publishing the book, it’s just taking a little longer than expected (sad face). All the writing and editing is finished (yay!), and my publisher and I are working on the interior and cover design at this time.

I am so excited to share this book with you. It has taken a lot of courage and time to put together the posts, and other little creative inserts I thought were most significant. Yes, it is true that if you have read my blog, you have pretty much read my book already. But there are poems and other words and photographs in my book that will be different which have not been posted on my blog.

Whether you are a new reader or a returning reader of my blog, my book is definitely worth the read! I hope you enjoy it. I do hope you will all pick up a copy for yourself or for a loved one, whether it be in store or online once it is published.

So, I hope you are all excited for this! I am beyond overjoyed.

I will post more updates as we get closer to the release date.

Until then my darlings, namaste.

-E

The Enemy

The past two days have been difficult for me to cope with. My mind has been in shambles trying to grasp why I cannot seem to find peace within myself about my body. Even though I am in recovery, I question whether or not I am able to recover after all the years of abuse I have put my body through.

Self-hatred, self-criticism and so many others are my weapons of choice.

I don’t know where else to turn. I try to stay positive as much as I can, but it feels like a permanent cloud has drifted over me and I will never see the sunlight; only the rain falling, pitter patter on my beating heart.

The tears well up in my eyes and I let them fall with the rain.

I don’t know what else to do. I’m losing the will to fight again.

Chills run up and down my spine as the rain soaks me with its infectious comfort. I welcome the familiar feeling of sadness.

I don’t know how else to save myself.

-E

Repeat offender

It happened again. Guilt dripping from the corners of my mouth. I promised myself it wouldn’t happen again. But it did.

I dissociated.

And then I binged.

The shame wells up inside of me, and I slowly retreat into myself. Thoughts of self-hate rushing through my mind make it so difficult to breathe.

I feel like throwing up.

The sickening image of a girl in a youtube video shoving her fingers down her throat over the toilet crosses my mind. I don’t want to be like her. I don’t need another eating disorder.

I’m a repeat offender, a repeat binger. It kills me inside to say it. I never wanted to be this way. But I am.

Hatred, disgust, guilt, shame. Emotions I am more than familiar with swirl within my heart. It’s too much for me.

So I dissociate further.

I’m a repeat offender; doing ten to life for a crime I wish I didn’t commit.

-E