Release the demons

This morning I let it out. I poured myself onto the kitchen table over a cup of coffee. I let the tears fall freely down my stained cheeks. I didn’t hold back. I dared speak of demons that have been haunting me for the past number of years. Saying them aloud felt like hot metal scouring my throat. The words burned like they had never burned before.

And then there was my mother, kind and humbling. Accepting my demons. Gentle with her responses. Ready to scoop me into her arms and hold me until I felt whole again. I was so grateful.

Releasing these demons into the open plains, we call a conversation was something I was afraid of. As if it was a sin to tell the tale of how you became the way you are today. Practically throwing myself into unknown territory, waiting to see if I’d survive the exposure.

And I did.

It’s times like these I wish I had a quick way of fixing the issues at hand.  To tick them off of a checklist sounds comical and utterly nonsensical, although if I could make a list of them and fix them as I go, I would be in a much better state of mind. But, as reality sinks in, this is not a viable option.

I know I should be doing something about this, but as for right now, I only wish to curl up in layers of warm blankets with a book and a cup of hot tea and ignore the world around me. At least for a little while longer.

-E

 

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How could they?

So many words are trapped within a mind littered with shards of glass so thin; banging against the iron walls, screaming for a way out, slicing open old wounds to try to ease the pain of what was done unto you; that evil that was forced upon you… How could they let this happen? How could they?

-E

The Anxious and the Depressed

We are the anxious and the depressed, the forgotten and the unheard.

We are the missing faces, the ones who long to be found.

We are the stragglers you leave behind, trying to find our way.

We are the family members and friends you call ‘weird’ or ‘unreliable.’

We are the courageous people who walk in pain and agony.

We are the warriors who fight battles every day.

We are the mighty, the ones who will overcome this.

We are the souls who will one day rest in peace.

-E

A single breath

Fatigue sets in, but nothing settles

Not the mind, not the heart

Both racing, both unable to stop

I can’t breathe, I scream silently

I can’t breathe

-E

PODCAST – EPISODE 6 OUT NOW!!!

Hi, everyone! Just an announcement that episode six of my podcast is now posted!

Here is the link: https://www.spreaker.com/user/eldeluigi/episode-6-real-talk

Hope you all enjoy! Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

xoxo

-E

Real talk

I’ve been struggling a lot internally lately. I haven’t been feeling the greatest these past few weeks either. I know I’m supposed to be getting better every day since I’m in recovery but I don’t feel better. I think I feel myself getting worse; if that’s even possible.

My mind refuses to shut off. Each thought is a stab to my heart. My motivation is down, and I can barely get off the couch some days. I’m having a hard time coping with my roller coaster emotions that keep hitting me like a wall. My insides are screaming, “help me!” “Save me!” But I don’t think anyone is listening.

This is why I have made the conscious decision to help myself even more. I have decided to go to a facility in the Guelph, Ontario area for more treatment. This has been a huge decision on my part as well as my family, but I believe it will be of help to my mental health and overall well being in the long run.

The program is 56 days, and I will participate in this program up until school resumes in September. Starting on Wednesday, I will be working extra hard towards feeling better and making sure I am prepared for all that life has to throw at me in the future.

Do not worry, I will continue to blog and podcast as much as I can while I am there. Although my focus will be on my recovery, I will not forget you, my wonderful readers and listeners. So, stay tuned for the ‘Day one’ blog post I’ll write later this week once I get settled in. You won’t want to miss out on that.

So, am I ready for this? I don’t know. I may get fed up with the whole idea and come home in a few weeks. Who knows? But do I need to do this? Yes. I need to try. I need to do this for me. I need to work on myself to make myself better. This is so important. This is what will hopefully give me a push in the right direction. I hope you all understand.

Many thanks,

-E

Pitter Patter

The rain falls

Pitter patter

On her blackened soul

Grey clouds envelop her

Pitter patter

Pitter patter

The rain falls harder

Cloaking her cold

Lifeless body

Welcoming her

Into the arms

Of death.

-E