Personal

Release the demons

This morning I let it out. I poured myself onto the kitchen table over a cup of coffee. I let the tears fall freely down my stained cheeks. I didn’t hold back. I dared speak of demons that have been haunting me for the past number of years. Saying them aloud felt like hot metal scouring my throat. The words burned like they had never burned before.

And then there was my mother, kind and humbling. Accepting my demons. Gentle with her responses. Ready to scoop me into her arms and hold me until I felt whole again. I was so grateful.

Releasing these demons into the open plains, we call a conversation was something I was afraid of. As if it was a sin to tell the tale of how you became the way you are today. Practically throwing myself into unknown territory, waiting to see if I’d survive the exposure.

And I did.

It’s times like these I wish I had a quick way of fixing the issues at hand.  To tick them off of a checklist sounds comical and utterly nonsensical, although if I could make a list of them and fix them as I go, I would be in a much better state of mind. But, as reality sinks in, this is not a viable option.

I know I should be doing something about this, but as for right now, I only wish to curl up in layers of warm blankets with a book and a cup of hot tea and ignore the world around me. At least for a little while longer.

-E

 

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poetry

How could they?

So many words are trapped within a mind littered with shards of glass so thin; banging against the iron walls, screaming for a way out, slicing open old wounds to try to ease the pain of what was done unto you; that evil that was forced upon you… How could they let this happen? How could they?

-E

Personal

Reflections of a BPD warrior

This year, 2017, has been the year of worst moments for me. From a rough breakup at the beginning of the year, to an overdose, to a hospitalization period, to months of major depression, to another hospitalization period, to more months of major depression while trying to stay in school. All while at the mercy of multiple medications that have practically turned my brain into mush.

PURE MADNESS.

My body and my soul have been washed away by pills upon pills of toxic substances that have plagued my mind. With no control over what happens, I am forced to take everything as it comes. Every memory lost, every unfocused moment, every blank stare, every pound gained, all of it.

As strong as I am, at times I can’t help but feel as though I am losing something. Perhaps I am losing myself. Losing my own sense of belonging in this world. Losing a battle I no longer wish to fight.

The feeling of falling comes to mind; as if I’m tumbling down with nothing to save me. Each day a new beginning but each day a failed attempt to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and soul and make them whole again. No matter how hard I try, there just isn’t a light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Days go by, and I barely notice as the time passes. This is not normalcy. This is not real life. But what constitutes as normal? I believe that there is no such definition since the world is filled with so many unique ways of living. This may seem off topic, but it correlates with what I am experiencing. I am not experiencing “normalcy.” I am experiencing an utterly complicated and twisted form of life that only those who suffer from similar kinds of this life will understand.

Recovery is no simple path. For me, it has been one hell of a journey. I am still in recovery and in no way through it. Some days are blurred and uncontrollable, others have more clarity. I suspect that there will be many more of these days before I can genuinely see a difference in my quality of life. But until then, I am forced to do nothing but take it one day at a time and fight each battle as it comes.

-E

Personal

Back to school

Good afternoon everyone! Happy Friday!

It’s been a little while since I’ve written and I do apologize for that. I’ve been a little busy with a few things. Please, let me explain.

Since my last blog post, I have moved into a sweet little apartment in Toronto, Ontario all by myself! It’s a one bedroom apartment in the basement of a cute little home. I am absolutely in love with it, and the landlady and her family are the most beautiful human beings I have ever met. I still have lots to decorate, but for now, it’s absolutely perfect!

On another note, beginning this new school year, the third year in my journalism degree program has been one that has brought up some challenges and definitely made me do some deep thinking about what I want to do and how I want to continue on this journey. So far, I am choosing to stick with my education. It’s been a vital part of my entire life, and I cannot imagine giving up when I’m almost at the finish line.

It’s going to be tough, but I am going to put everything I have into these last two years of my education, and I am going to prove to myself that I am capable of anything that I put my mind to. Forza Elena! (It’s Italian, look it up LOL!)

Within this great big decision to continue on with school, I am also making the decision to keep blogging as much as I can. During this break from writing (and podcasting), I have realized that it is my saving grace. It feeds my soul in ways I cannot explain, and without it, I have been so lost and stuck, in a way. So to make sure that I am doing what my body needs, I am vowing to send out a blog post as often as I can while I plow away at my school assignments. It may not be every week, but as long as I keep writing whenever I possibly can, I think I’ll be okay.

In regards to my podcast, I will try to get back on the air as soon as I can. Unfortunately, that takes a little bit more time and effort for me to do, but I will do my best to keep up with it as much as I can. Stay tuned for updates on it.

One last thing, I appreciate all your love and patience with me. It’s been a huge struggle for me this past year, and I am so grateful to have this platform as a means of sharing my story, and I could not have been more blessed to have such great feedback. So thank you, to all of you who read my words and understand my story. Thank you for your lovely comments and thank you for your continued support. I am forever thankful.

Xoxo

-E

Personal

Week 1

Hey, everyone!

I’m so sorry I’ve been silent this past week. Getting settled into the treatment centre has been a bit challenging for me.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would put up a post about my first day here at the treatment centre. Little did I know my first day was rougher than I thought it would be. It was awful, actually. So in light of this, I’ve decided to write about my first week instead of my first day, since I think it will be less triggering for me to recall.

During my first week here at the centre, I have experienced so many emotions, and I have honestly no idea how to process them. It’s been one hell of a time adjusting to the way things are around here. I’m still trying to fit in. Being here is triggering for me, but I’m trying to work through that as best as I can.

I’ve been trying to stay active, and I’m reading and journaling every day so that I can hopefully keep my spirits up. I may post my journal entries from each day once I leave but I’m still debating on doing that. I’ll keep you guys updated on that later on.

The groups I have to attend are okay. I find myself not able to focus on them though which is a bad thing I guess. Maybe it’s the medications, but I just can’t figure out why I can’t keep my head straight on anything. It’s getting annoying actually.

The meals here are a hit and miss. Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re not. At least I’m not starving.

Honestly, I still don’t know if this program is the right one for me. I keep trying to tell myself it’s going to get better, but I don’t feel like it will. I still have moments when I want to go home. These moments overtake my mind and won’t stop screaming at me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want the help so I can get better, but I want a different help than what the centre is offering. Ugh! The struggle is real, as they say.

Anyways, this is just a little update about what’s been going on. Hopefully, my second week will be better.

Sending lots of love and good vibes to all of you.

Xoxo

-E

Audio

PODCAST – EPISODE 6 OUT NOW!!!

Hi, everyone! Just an announcement that episode six of my podcast is now posted!

Here is the link: https://www.spreaker.com/user/eldeluigi/episode-6-real-talk

Hope you all enjoy! Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

xoxo

-E

Personal

Real talk

I’ve been struggling a lot internally lately. I haven’t been feeling the greatest these past few weeks either. I know I’m supposed to be getting better every day since I’m in recovery but I don’t feel better. I think I feel myself getting worse; if that’s even possible.

My mind refuses to shut off. Each thought is a stab to my heart. My motivation is down, and I can barely get off the couch some days. I’m having a hard time coping with my roller coaster emotions that keep hitting me like a wall. My insides are screaming, “help me!” “Save me!” But I don’t think anyone is listening.

This is why I have made the conscious decision to help myself even more. I have decided to go to a facility in the Guelph, Ontario area for more treatment. This has been a huge decision on my part as well as my family, but I believe it will be of help to my mental health and overall well being in the long run.

The program is 56 days, and I will participate in this program up until school resumes in September. Starting on Wednesday, I will be working extra hard towards feeling better and making sure I am prepared for all that life has to throw at me in the future.

Do not worry, I will continue to blog and podcast as much as I can while I am there. Although my focus will be on my recovery, I will not forget you, my wonderful readers and listeners. So, stay tuned for the ‘Day one’ blog post I’ll write later this week once I get settled in. You won’t want to miss out on that.

So, am I ready for this? I don’t know. I may get fed up with the whole idea and come home in a few weeks. Who knows? But do I need to do this? Yes. I need to try. I need to do this for me. I need to work on myself to make myself better. This is so important. This is what will hopefully give me a push in the right direction. I hope you all understand.

Many thanks,

-E