Reflections of a BPD warrior

This year, 2017, has been the year of worst moments for me. From a rough breakup at the beginning of the year, to an overdose, to a hospitalization period, to months of major depression, to another hospitalization period, to more months of major depression while trying to stay in school. All while at the mercy of multiple medications that have practically turned my brain into mush.

PURE MADNESS.

My body and my soul have been washed away by pills upon pills of toxic substances that have plagued my mind. With no control over what happens, I am forced to take everything as it comes. Every memory lost, every unfocused moment, every blank stare, every pound gained, all of it.

As strong as I am, at times I can’t help but feel as though I am losing something. Perhaps I am losing myself. Losing my own sense of belonging in this world. Losing a battle I no longer wish to fight.

The feeling of falling comes to mind; as if I’m tumbling down with nothing to save me. Each day a new beginning but each day a failed attempt to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and soul and make them whole again. No matter how hard I try, there just isn’t a light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Days go by, and I barely notice as the time passes. This is not normalcy. This is not real life. But what constitutes as normal? I believe that there is no such definition since the world is filled with so many unique ways of living. This may seem off topic, but it correlates with what I am experiencing. I am not experiencing “normalcy.” I am experiencing an utterly complicated and twisted form of life that only those who suffer from similar kinds of this life will understand.

Recovery is no simple path. For me, it has been one hell of a journey. I am still in recovery and in no way through it. Some days are blurred and uncontrollable, others have more clarity. I suspect that there will be many more of these days before I can genuinely see a difference in my quality of life. But until then, I am forced to do nothing but take it one day at a time and fight each battle as it comes.

-E

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The Anxious and the Depressed

We are the anxious and the depressed, the forgotten and the unheard.

We are the missing faces, the ones who long to be found.

We are the stragglers you leave behind, trying to find our way.

We are the family members and friends you call ‘weird’ or ‘unreliable.’

We are the courageous people who walk in pain and agony.

We are the warriors who fight battles every day.

We are the mighty, the ones who will overcome this.

We are the souls who will one day rest in peace.

-E

A little inspiration

Leaving behind what makes you happy can be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do in your lifetime. Hopefully, it will never happen to you. If it does, I’m so sorry you had to give up on something you really wanted. Life can be a real bitch sometimes. Sorry, pardon my bad language. But it really is true, you know.

Time and time again, I have thought about quitting my university studies and just running. Running from all the noise and the mess that has become the reality of what I have called life for the past 3 years. What one hell of a ride it’s been.

With all the crazy stuff that’s been happening, I have spent many sleepless nights thinking, ‘Am I making the right choice to stay in school?’ ‘What would happen to me if I left and did something else?’ ‘Would I survive walking away from journalism, the only profession I aspire to work in?’

And even then, with all this doubt in my mind, I can never seem to pull myself away from that rush of excitement when I get to work on a new assignment that involves combining all sorts of new media and writing. The spark I feel inside when I hear the words “author” or “writer” or “editor” or “journalist” is exhilarating. I get that child-like excitement, and my heart even skips a beat. It’s really quite something.

But what’s funny is that right now, even without my degree or an official job as a journalist at an established publication, I am a writer. I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember which in all reality and sensibility would make me a writer would it not? And I am also an author, for which I wrote my first novel “Finding Elena” that has been a moving success over the last few months. And I am also a journalist (in training since I am in j-school), but a journalist all the same. I have yet to achieve the title of “editor,” but I suppose that will come in time.

Even though I have thought about quitting journalism, I won’t. I am strong enough to withstand the pressures that university life is throwing at me. I am capable of anything I put my mind to.

I think the point I am trying to make here is DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM YOURSELF. Do not walk away from your dreams. Do not let your fears stop you from achieving all that you are able to. Do not limit yourself based on what you believe you can or cannot do. It is okay to ask for help if you need it. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of courage.

If you are going to walk away, my advice to you is to walk away from your doubts and fears. Walk away from your insecurities and setbacks. Walk away from negativity and just do what makes you happy. Happy people make the world a better place so, defy the odds and shine bright like a diamond, as Rihanna would say.

-E

​’Finding Elena’ NOW AVAILABLE

Well, here we are, my dear friends. I’m finally able to take a deep breath and say, “It’s finished! My book ‘Finding Elena‘ is NOW AVAILABLE.

OH, MY GOD. HOW COOL IS THAT? I AM BEYOND EXCITED FOR THIS RELEASE.

This book is a huge accomplishment for me. I have poured my life, my heart, and my soul into these pages and I am overwhelmed with excitement that it is finally published. The continuous work I have put in has finally paid off.

I am also very grateful to my family, my friends and my publishing team for all of their support, love, and efforts to make this book possible. I could not have done it without them. My family has been there for me every step of the way, and I could not be more in debt to them for everything they have done for me. My friends have been there for me and shown me so much love even when I was down, and I am grateful for their kindness. My publishing team has been diligently working hard to make sure my standards were met and that the book looks amazing.

I am just so thankful to be able to do this, and so blessed to be able to share it with all of you.

So here it is. ‘Finding Elena.’ My heart and soul splayed out on white pages for you. My everything in the grasp of your hands. Get your copy today!

Finding Elena is available on Createspace. Soon to be available on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: https://www.createspace.com/7164582

xoxo

-E