Everyone! My first episode of my podcast is out NOW!!! Check it out! 🎙 Link is below.
It happened again. Guilt dripping from the corners of my mouth. I promised myself it wouldn’t happen again. But it did.
And then I binged.
The shame wells up inside of me, and I slowly retreat into myself. Thoughts of self-hate rushing through my mind make it so difficult to breathe.
I feel like throwing up.
The sickening image of a girl in a youtube video shoving her fingers down her throat over the toilet crosses my mind. I don’t want to be like her. I don’t need another eating disorder.
I’m a repeat offender, a repeat binger. It kills me inside to say it. I never wanted to be this way. But I am.
Hatred, disgust, guilt, shame. Emotions I am more than familiar with swirl within my heart. It’s too much for me.
So I dissociate further.
I’m a repeat offender; doing ten to life for a crime I wish I didn’t commit.
So, I’m putting together my very first book. Exciting right? I thought so too. Apparently so did a few other people I know that have not failed to put their two cents into the creation of this book and its process. Oh well, they’re helpful, so I’ll take it.
I am beyond hopeful that this book helps people understand what it is like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Binge-Eating Disorder (BED), and Depression. It’s a lot I know. Tell me about it; I have to live with all of it. It sucks most of the time.
On a lighter note, I think this book is also going to give hope to those who suffer from mental illness because I try to end on positive notes at the end of my pieces. I also don’t like having my readers feeling sad as they read what I write, but sometimes I have to be dark and twisty with my words. It’s the only way I can honestly express myself for some things.
Below is the table of contents with the titles of all the pieces I plan on putting in the book. I am still working on the title, but I suspect that will be the last feat I will have to overcome with this masterpiece I am trying to create and publish.
*Pictures I’ve taken will go between all mini-essays and poems.*
A Gallery of Thoughts and Feelings / Thoughts and Words: A Memoir / My Personal Gallery / Finding my Way / Finding Elena /
- That Feeling of Icy Emptiness
- That Feeling
- A Nightmare Dressed as a Daydream
- Road to Recovery: My Mental Health Journey
- Rock Bottom
- Blank Pages
- The Silent Killer
- 16 Days
- 16 Days of Lessons
- The Media and Mental Health
- Ripped to Shreds
- How I got BPD and tried to cover it up with food and smiling
- My Biggest Trigger
- Self-love and Acceptance
- I’m Sorry
- Because I am Continuing
This has been a sneak preview of what my book is going to be about. If you haven’t followed through, reading my blog from the beginning, I suggest you do. This book is essentially a selection of blog posts that I have written, along with photos I have taken, put together into one little book that hopefully will capture your interest.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m scared as hell to do this; especially since I’m still in university and I’m only 20 (going on 21 soon!). Many writers are older than I am. But I won’t let that stop me. I am publishing this book for me, my fellow sufferers, and those who do not understand mental illness. This is for us, my friends, for us.
To love your body for what it is and what it does for you is something that many people struggle with. In fact, I have only met one person who is okay and happy with themselves in my entire life. This is something that pains me because as a beautiful and talented human species, we should love ourselves for what our bodies are able to do.
Self-love. The act of loving your own person without question or judgment. Acceptance. The act of knowing what your body is capable of, and understanding what it is not able to do, and being okay with that; whatever that is.
For me, self-love and acceptance of myself have been a major struggle throughout my entire life. I never liked how I looked or what I wore or how I was. I still don’t. I look in the mirror and cringe at the fat that hangs from my stomach because I can’t control my binge-eating disorder.
My relationship with food has never been a good one. Ever since I was little, it has been a constant battle between eating the right foods and having control of the portions on my plate. It has also been a humiliating experience. Family members telling you to stop eating because you’re getting fat, family members taking food away from you because they know you’ll eat it. Family members saying you got bigger and need to lose weight. Family members always saying something about your weight or the food your eating or telling you to exercise or looking at you funny and lying to you about how you look. Yes, I have had it all.
I’m crying as I’m writing this because it is so painful. I have so much self-hatred for my impulsivity and lack of control with food. I have such a hard time admitting to myself and others that I need help with this. Although, just because I need help with it, Does NOT give people the right or the ability to say something to me about it. Those words that those family members said stung like acid in my eyes.
I know I have to accept myself the way I am at some point but I don’t know when that will be or how it will happen. I guess I’m just going to have to play the waiting game on that one. For now, I think I’m going to focus on self-love. I have a book about it, so I’m going to make an effort to read it and try to follow some of the suggestions that might be written in this book. I have yet to even crack it open and look at the inside cover. Not a good start but I’ll get there at some point… At least I hope I will.
To love yourself is a beautiful thing. I wish I could love all of me, but so far, I have only just started accepting minor imperfections of myself. I won’t go into details but accepting these imperfections is a HUGE step for me. I am so proud that I am able to be okay with these little perfect mistakes that are part of me and make me who I am.
Below are some photos that I believe are a fantastic start to spreading awareness about body positivity and self-worth.
“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.” – Wear Your Label
I have shared these images previously on social media to convey a message that it’s okay to not be a size zero. It’s also okay to have cellulite and stretch marks. It’s all okay. And if you are a size zero and everywhere in between, I want you to know that it’s okay too. You are beautiful at any size. I am not a size zero, and I will probably never be a size zero, and that’s okay! I have friends that are a size zero, and I love them with all my heart. I also have friends that are not a size zero, and I also love them with all my heart.
For me, self-image is a large part of my insecurity, depression and social anxiety (thanks for that, BPD). But even though I don’t like what I see in the mirror, that does NOT negate the fact that I have beautiful qualities. The same goes for you. You are beautiful even though your eyes and your brain are trying to tell you that you’re not.
SO DON’T LISTEN TO THEM. THEY’RE BOTH LIARS.
Listen to me right now, at this very moment, you are the oldest you have ever been. You are also the most beautiful and developed that you have ever been. Do NOT let your mind wander to negative self-talk. Control your mind to think good thoughts about yourself and do NOT relapse. This is where the real work comes in. Loving yourself is hard work! Put in the time and do whatever you need to do to feel okay with yourself. You will not regret it, I promise.
To all of you who have diligently followed my everlasting journey with me, thank you. You give me the courage and the strength to write in an expressive way so others may understand the daily struggles of someone with a mental illness.
To those of you suffering, I am with you. I understand, and I am here. I am fighting for freedom and sanity along side you and I will not give up. I will support you with all of my beings; from the tips of my toes to the top of my head.
To my loving family, thank you for every sacrifice you make for me. I am forever in debt to your kindness and gentility towards me.
And finally, to my own self, keep going. The light at the end of your dark tunnel is just around the corner.
Labels. What defines them as acceptable? What makes them tolerable in our society? A label is a defining term that is used to describe someone or something. It’s a word that people can identify with because it’s a generalization of a certain group of people, a look or behavior or belief. A label can be useful, but for mental illness, it can be degrading, demeaning and hurtful.
In the last 6 months, I have accumulated some pretty harsh labels: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Depression. I know, scary right? I never even expected to be hit with one label, let alone three. Three mental illnesses trapped inside my body, making me feel this inexplicable feeling inside. Three mental illnesses…
The Labeling Theory is how people identify with their own self-identity. This self-identity could be influenced by the terms used to classify them. This theory was popular back in the 1960’s, and 1970’s; modified versions of the theory have been invented as well that are still popular today. “Labeling theory is closely related to social construction and symbolic-interaction analysis. Labeling theory was developed by sociologists during the 1960s.” (Wikipedia, 2017)
I find that associating with my labels helps me to identify my problems, but it doesn’t teach me how to fix them. I mean, the whole point of recovery is to get better right? Solve the problems, get back on track, that sort of thing. Having a label that doesn’t do anything to fix the problem is kind of pointless don’t you think? I’m all for wearing my labels proudly and showing the struggles I have overcome, and wearing my labels comforts me sometimes, but I somehow still end up unable to function some days. How do I deal with that?
My labels do nothing for me, really. I find that they make me worse. I wear them proudly on the outside, but on the inside they make me cringe. I hate having labels. I hate being those labels. I hate when people use my labels to define who I am. That is something that I will NOT tolerate. I am not a label or a bunch of labels. I am a person. A person of value. A person who needs some help. A person who desires to be happy and loved.
I got off track there a bit, sorry. Back to my discussion on labels. So labels tend to be words that can seem general to others, but to those of us who actually identify with those labels, it’s not so nice. We overthink and stress about being the label we are given, and it drives us crazy. We don’t want to, but we can’t help it. It’s our natural reaction to being worried about what people will think of us when we have to have the “mental health conversation.” Especially with someone, we may be interested in having a relationship with. Warriors, you know what I mean. Happens EVERY time.
Having a label can lead to other things such as stigma and discrimination. “The lives of people with mental health conditions are often plagued by stigma as well as discrimination. Stigma is a negative stereotype. Stigma is a reality for many people with a mental illness, and they report that how others judge them is one of their greatest barriers to a complete and satisfying life.” (Canadian Mental Health Association, 2017) SEE? Proof that having a label can affect how others treat people with a mental illness.
Here is another longer and more detailed description that explains the effects of stigma on a mental illness. It correlates to having a label because the label is what gives people stigma in the first place. “There are significant consequences to the public misperceptions and fears. Stereotypes about mental health conditions have been used to justify bullying. Some individuals have been denied adequate housing, health insurance and jobs due to their history of mental illness. Due to the stigma associated with the illness, many people have found that they lose their self-esteem and have difficulty making friends. Sometimes, the stigma attached to mental health conditions is so pervasive that people who suspect that they might have a mental health condition are unwilling to seek help for fear of what others may think. Experiences of stigma and discrimination is one of their greatest barriers to a satisfying life.” (Canadian Mental Health Association, 2017)
So what is the point? What do we need labels for? NOTHING. GET RID OF LABELS AND START LOVING PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE, NOT WHAT A LABEL SAYS THEY ARE.
Now, I hope you’ve all learned something here because I have. I learn new things about mental illness every day. I learn about how many people have had it for so long, how many people developed a mental illness so young, and many other things. It’s mind-blowing for me to try and understand all of it. I wish there was a way to consume a lot of information about one topic at a time but the only way to do that is to read. One page at a time. So I guess I just have to keep reading and talking to other people who want to share their stories with me.
One significant thing I have learned that I can leave you with is that from having a mental illness, or rather, three mental illnesses, is to NEVER look at the labels. Look at the substance, the human substance. The human substance is worth more than anything. People are worth so much more than their mental illness and their label. A label is just a word. Do not be afraid of those of us who have a mental illness. Chances are (100%) that we are more frightened than you are.
- Wikipedia. (2017). Retrieved from, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labeling_theory.
- Canadian Mental Health Association. (2017). Retrieved from, https://ontario.cmha.ca/documents/stigma-and-discrimination/.