Personal

Release the demons

This morning I let it out. I poured myself onto the kitchen table over a cup of coffee. I let the tears fall freely down my stained cheeks. I didn’t hold back. I dared speak of demons that have been haunting me for the past number of years. Saying them aloud felt like hot metal scouring my throat. The words burned like they had never burned before.

And then there was my mother, kind and humbling. Accepting my demons. Gentle with her responses. Ready to scoop me into her arms and hold me until I felt whole again. I was so grateful.

Releasing these demons into the open plains, we call a conversation was something I was afraid of. As if it was a sin to tell the tale of how you became the way you are today. Practically throwing myself into unknown territory, waiting to see if I’d survive the exposure.

And I did.

It’s times like these I wish I had a quick way of fixing the issues at hand.  To tick them off of a checklist sounds comical and utterly nonsensical, although if I could make a list of them and fix them as I go, I would be in a much better state of mind. But, as reality sinks in, this is not a viable option.

I know I should be doing something about this, but as for right now, I only wish to curl up in layers of warm blankets with a book and a cup of hot tea and ignore the world around me. At least for a little while longer.

-E

 

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poetry

How could they?

So many words are trapped within a mind littered with shards of glass so thin; banging against the iron walls, screaming for a way out, slicing open old wounds to try to ease the pain of what was done unto you; that evil that was forced upon you… How could they let this happen? How could they?

-E

Personal

Reflections of a BPD warrior

This year, 2017, has been the year of worst moments for me. From a rough breakup at the beginning of the year, to an overdose, to a hospitalization period, to months of major depression, to another hospitalization period, to more months of major depression while trying to stay in school. All while at the mercy of multiple medications that have practically turned my brain into mush.

PURE MADNESS.

My body and my soul have been washed away by pills upon pills of toxic substances that have plagued my mind. With no control over what happens, I am forced to take everything as it comes. Every memory lost, every unfocused moment, every blank stare, every pound gained, all of it.

As strong as I am, at times I can’t help but feel as though I am losing something. Perhaps I am losing myself. Losing my own sense of belonging in this world. Losing a battle I no longer wish to fight.

The feeling of falling comes to mind; as if I’m tumbling down with nothing to save me. Each day a new beginning but each day a failed attempt to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and soul and make them whole again. No matter how hard I try, there just isn’t a light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Days go by, and I barely notice as the time passes. This is not normalcy. This is not real life. But what constitutes as normal? I believe that there is no such definition since the world is filled with so many unique ways of living. This may seem off topic, but it correlates with what I am experiencing. I am not experiencing “normalcy.” I am experiencing an utterly complicated and twisted form of life that only those who suffer from similar kinds of this life will understand.

Recovery is no simple path. For me, it has been one hell of a journey. I am still in recovery and in no way through it. Some days are blurred and uncontrollable, others have more clarity. I suspect that there will be many more of these days before I can genuinely see a difference in my quality of life. But until then, I am forced to do nothing but take it one day at a time and fight each battle as it comes.

-E

Personal

Week 1

Hey, everyone!

I’m so sorry I’ve been silent this past week. Getting settled into the treatment centre has been a bit challenging for me.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would put up a post about my first day here at the treatment centre. Little did I know my first day was rougher than I thought it would be. It was awful, actually. So in light of this, I’ve decided to write about my first week instead of my first day, since I think it will be less triggering for me to recall.

During my first week here at the centre, I have experienced so many emotions, and I have honestly no idea how to process them. It’s been one hell of a time adjusting to the way things are around here. I’m still trying to fit in. Being here is triggering for me, but I’m trying to work through that as best as I can.

I’ve been trying to stay active, and I’m reading and journaling every day so that I can hopefully keep my spirits up. I may post my journal entries from each day once I leave but I’m still debating on doing that. I’ll keep you guys updated on that later on.

The groups I have to attend are okay. I find myself not able to focus on them though which is a bad thing I guess. Maybe it’s the medications, but I just can’t figure out why I can’t keep my head straight on anything. It’s getting annoying actually.

The meals here are a hit and miss. Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re not. At least I’m not starving.

Honestly, I still don’t know if this program is the right one for me. I keep trying to tell myself it’s going to get better, but I don’t feel like it will. I still have moments when I want to go home. These moments overtake my mind and won’t stop screaming at me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want the help so I can get better, but I want a different help than what the centre is offering. Ugh! The struggle is real, as they say.

Anyways, this is just a little update about what’s been going on. Hopefully, my second week will be better.

Sending lots of love and good vibes to all of you.

Xoxo

-E

Novels

​’Finding Elena’ NOW AVAILABLE

Well, here we are, my dear friends. I’m finally able to take a deep breath and say, “It’s finished! My book ‘Finding Elena‘ is NOW AVAILABLE.

OH, MY GOD. HOW COOL IS THAT? I AM BEYOND EXCITED FOR THIS RELEASE.

This book is a huge accomplishment for me. I have poured my life, my heart, and my soul into these pages and I am overwhelmed with excitement that it is finally published. The continuous work I have put in has finally paid off.

I am also very grateful to my family, my friends and my publishing team for all of their support, love, and efforts to make this book possible. I could not have done it without them. My family has been there for me every step of the way, and I could not be more in debt to them for everything they have done for me. My friends have been there for me and shown me so much love even when I was down, and I am grateful for their kindness. My publishing team has been diligently working hard to make sure my standards were met and that the book looks amazing.

I am just so thankful to be able to do this, and so blessed to be able to share it with all of you.

So here it is. ‘Finding Elena.’ My heart and soul splayed out on white pages for you. My everything in the grasp of your hands. Get your copy today!

Finding Elena is available on Createspace. Soon to be available on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: https://www.createspace.com/7164582

xoxo

-E

Novels

BOOK UPDATE

Hello, everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve said anything about my book coming out and I want to make sure you’re all up to date with what’s going on. Don’t worry, YES I am still publishing the book, it’s just taking a little longer than expected (sad face). All the writing and editing is finished (yay!), and my publisher and I are working on the interior and cover design at this time.

I am so excited to share this book with you. It has taken a lot of courage and time to put together the posts, and other little creative inserts I thought were most significant. Yes, it is true that if you have read my blog, you have pretty much read my book already. But there are poems and other words and photographs in my book that will be different which have not been posted on my blog.

Whether you are a new reader or a returning reader of my blog, my book is definitely worth the read! I hope you enjoy it. I do hope you will all pick up a copy for yourself or for a loved one, whether it be in store or online once it is published.

So, I hope you are all excited for this! I am beyond overjoyed.

I will post more updates as we get closer to the release date.

Until then my darlings, namaste.

-E

Audio

PODCAST – EPISODE 2 OUT NOW!!!

Hey, everyone! Just an announcement that episode two of my podcast is now posted!

Here is the link: https://www.spreaker.com/user/eldeluigi/episode-2-how-music-helps-with-kate-nisb

Hope you all enjoy! Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

xoxo

-E