PODCAST – EPISODE 1 OUT NOW!!!

Good evening my lovelies! Hope you are all doing well today and every day. Just an announcement that episode one of my podcast is now posted!

Here is the link: https://www.spreaker.com/user/9881094/episode-1-body-acceptance

Hope you all enjoy! Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

xoxo

-E

Why I decided to start a podcast

Hello, guys! I hope everyone enjoyed the rather short intro to my podcast. Don’t worry, the first episode will be longer for sure.

As for right now, I want to address the fact that some of you are probably wondering why in the heck I decided to start a podcast. Yes, I see you; or rather, I hear you. Let me explain.

I started the podcast to help people through their journey with mental illness and their recovery. I wanted them to have something to listen to that they could relate to and understand. That’s basically the underlying factor of it.

This podcast is in no way meant to hurt anyone, or put people down. It is a source of positivity and a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings no matter where you are in your journey.

For me, it’s been challenging to find a place where I feel comfortable talking about my dark secrets with my illnesses and my recovery. That’s why I started this blog. This blog is one of my safest places to share my heart, and I cannot tell you how happy I am to have a place to put my feelings and thoughts out to you guys where I get such a positive response. It means the world to me so thank you for that!

But coming back to the topic of the podcast, I want to create another safe space for you and myself to talk and share openly about our daily struggles. I want it to be a relaxed conversation where no one is judged or bullied for saying what they feel.

This is where I invite all of you to email me if you would like to be on the show and talk with me about what you are going through. Reach out to me, don’t be afraid, I am here to listen and to be of help. I will not turn away from you.

My email can be found on the ‘Contact’ page of my blog. Make sure to have the subject line read “ATTN: Podcast” so I can be sure to get in touch with you. I look forward to speaking with all of you beautiful souls! Sending lots of love, happiness, and positivity your way.

xoxo

-E

PODCAST IS LIVE!

Everyone! My first episode of my podcast is out NOW!!! Check it out! 🎙 Link is below.

Repeat offender

It happened again. Guilt dripping from the corners of my mouth. I promised myself it wouldn’t happen again. But it did.

I dissociated.

And then I binged.

The shame wells up inside of me, and I slowly retreat into myself. Thoughts of self-hate rushing through my mind make it so difficult to breathe.

I feel like throwing up.

The sickening image of a girl in a youtube video shoving her fingers down her throat over the toilet crosses my mind. I don’t want to be like her. I don’t need another eating disorder.

I’m a repeat offender, a repeat binger. It kills me inside to say it. I never wanted to be this way. But I am.

Hatred, disgust, guilt, shame. Emotions I am more than familiar with swirl within my heart. It’s too much for me.

So I dissociate further.

I’m a repeat offender; doing ten to life for a crime I wish I didn’t commit.

-E

Sundays

It’s May. The spring flowers are in full bloom, and the air is filled with a scent of freshly brewed coffee. The sun is shining brightly over the city. Spring has finally settled in nicely, and people are out enjoying their Sunday. Talking, laughing, planning, just being in the moment. How fascinating this is to me.

I tousle my hair for the hundredth time since I took a shower this morning and straighten my maxi skirt. Breathe, Elena, breathe. It’s just a coffee shop I tell myself. I patter up the stone stairs and pull open the door. I am immediately wafted with delicious smells of coffee, breakfast food, and baked goods.

It’s a cute little shop, retro, and hip. The patterned walls with artwork displayed on them throughout the place and cushioned couches with small tables give a homey feel to the ambiance. Not to mention the tunes playing on the speakers. Not too out of date but old enough to give it a vintage feel as well.

I enjoy coming here just to sit and relax and enjoy a hot beverage or some food and read or write. It is comforting and spacious, busy and empty, loud and quiet, happy and playful; but most of all it is calming. The people that surround me seem at ease with the place and with each other. Chatting lightly about anything and everything, enjoying the company around them. Delightful.

I order my food and my favorite tea at the front and then sit down in the far corner near the window. I open up my laptop and begin to write this chapter. With breakfast in my belly and a tea close by I type what comes to mind.

This for me is happiness. This is what Sundays should be like all the time.

What makes this experience so great is the fact that I didn’t need someone to be there to validate me or my decisions. I am hanging out with myself. Cool. I can handle being in a public place alone without much anxiety. This is a huge accomplishment, and I could not be prouder. Good job, me. You’re killing it!

Overcome your fears and they will not control you. Be fierce, my darlings, be unstoppable.

-E

The Next Step

I feel like I’m done; like I have nothing else to write. It’s as if I don’t have any more words left inside me to write. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. This feeling is different, one that I have not actually experienced before. How strange…

I’m not giving up on writing. No, definitely not doing that. I would probably explode with the sheer act of trying to bottle up my thoughts and words inside. Not good. I much prefer tapping away profusely on my laptop keyboard, drinking entirely too much coffee in my pajamas and slippers on my couch; or in a coffee shop dressed as hipster as I possibly can drinking an expensive latte and eating a blueberry scone. I could go on and on and on about what I would prefer doing and whatnot but I will stop here so as not to bore you with inconspicuous details that are not meant to be blabbered on about.

I did not expect this “writer’s block,” if you wish to call it that. I just don’t know what else to say, to be completely honest. I have put so much into my book that I have forgotten to self-care in the process. But actually self-care, not ‘write about it’ self-care and then ‘forget about it’ self-care. You know what I mean? Well, hopefully, you do. I’m the writer, so if you’re confused, then I didn’t do my job properly.

I think I may write another book, perhaps a fictional story that is based off of a true story. Although I don’t know yet. Do I really know anything at this point? Not really. But I’m hoping to figure it out soon. I wish my life were a little simpler… Doesn’t everyone wish that?

So what’s my next step?

I think it will be to take care of myself. To love myself. To be present in everything I do. To help myself by utilizing the tools that are offered for mental illness. To try and understand my illness better so I can know how to use different coping mechanisms to help myself when an episode hits. My goal this summer is to create a healthier and happier me; and to do that I need ALL the support I can get. Thankfully, my family and friends haven’t given up on me yet so koodos to them for putting up with me for this long. You guys rock!

-E

All I have

I’m tired

I’ve given all I have

I’m slowly disintegrating

Falling into the depths

I cannot hold on

Any longer

Catch me

I do not want

To fall

Anymore.

-E