Real talk

I’ve been struggling a lot internally lately. I haven’t been feeling the greatest these past few weeks either. I know I’m supposed to be getting better every day since I’m in recovery but I don’t feel better. I think I feel myself getting worse; if that’s even possible.

My mind refuses to shut off. Each thought is a stab to my heart. My motivation is down, and I can barely get off the couch some days. I’m having a hard time coping with my roller coaster emotions that keep hitting me like a wall. My insides are screaming, “help me!” “Save me!” But I don’t think anyone is listening.

This is why I have made the conscious decision to help myself even more. I have decided to go to a facility in the Guelph, Ontario area for more treatment. This has been a huge decision on my part as well as my family, but I believe it will be of help to my mental health and overall well being in the long run.

The program is 56 days, and I will participate in this program up until school resumes in September. Starting on Wednesday, I will be working extra hard towards feeling better and making sure I am prepared for all that life has to throw at me in the future.

Do not worry, I will continue to blog and podcast as much as I can while I am there. Although my focus will be on my recovery, I will not forget you, my wonderful readers and listeners. So, stay tuned for the ‘Day one’ blog post I’ll write later this week once I get settled in. You won’t want to miss out on that.

So, am I ready for this? I don’t know. I may get fed up with the whole idea and come home in a few weeks. Who knows? But do I need to do this? Yes. I need to try. I need to do this for me. I need to work on myself to make myself better. This is so important. This is what will hopefully give me a push in the right direction. I hope you all understand.

Many thanks,

-E

PODCAST – EPISODE 5 OUT NOW!!!

Hi, everyone! Just an announcement that episode five of my podcast is now posted!

Here is the link: https://www.spreaker.com/user/eldeluigi/episode-5-nutrition-and-recovery

Hope you all enjoy! Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

xoxo

-E

​’Finding Elena’ NOW AVAILABLE

Well, here we are, my dear friends. I’m finally able to take a deep breath and say, “It’s finished! My book ‘Finding Elena‘ is NOW AVAILABLE.

OH, MY GOD. HOW COOL IS THAT? I AM BEYOND EXCITED FOR THIS RELEASE.

This book is a huge accomplishment for me. I have poured my life, my heart, and my soul into these pages and I am overwhelmed with excitement that it is finally published. The continuous work I have put in has finally paid off.

I am also very grateful to my family, my friends and my publishing team for all of their support, love, and efforts to make this book possible. I could not have done it without them. My family has been there for me every step of the way, and I could not be more in debt to them for everything they have done for me. My friends have been there for me and shown me so much love even when I was down, and I am grateful for their kindness. My publishing team has been diligently working hard to make sure my standards were met and that the book looks amazing.

I am just so thankful to be able to do this, and so blessed to be able to share it with all of you.

So here it is. ‘Finding Elena.’ My heart and soul splayed out on white pages for you. My everything in the grasp of your hands. Get your copy today!

Finding Elena is available on Createspace. Soon to be available on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: https://www.createspace.com/7164582

xoxo

-E

BOOK UPDATE

Hello, everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve said anything about my book coming out and I want to make sure you’re all up to date with what’s going on. Don’t worry, YES I am still publishing the book, it’s just taking a little longer than expected (sad face). All the writing and editing is finished (yay!), and my publisher and I are working on the interior and cover design at this time.

I am so excited to share this book with you. It has taken a lot of courage and time to put together the posts, and other little creative inserts I thought were most significant. Yes, it is true that if you have read my blog, you have pretty much read my book already. But there are poems and other words and photographs in my book that will be different which have not been posted on my blog.

Whether you are a new reader or a returning reader of my blog, my book is definitely worth the read! I hope you enjoy it. I do hope you will all pick up a copy for yourself or for a loved one, whether it be in store or online once it is published.

So, I hope you are all excited for this! I am beyond overjoyed.

I will post more updates as we get closer to the release date.

Until then my darlings, namaste.

-E

PODCAST – EPISODE 2 OUT NOW!!!

Hey, everyone! Just an announcement that episode two of my podcast is now posted!

Here is the link: https://www.spreaker.com/user/eldeluigi/episode-2-how-music-helps-with-kate-nisb

Hope you all enjoy! Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

xoxo

-E

PODCAST IS LIVE!

Everyone! My first episode of my podcast is out NOW!!! Check it out! 🎙 Link is below.

Repeat offender

It happened again. Guilt dripping from the corners of my mouth. I promised myself it wouldn’t happen again. But it did.

I dissociated.

And then I binged.

The shame wells up inside of me, and I slowly retreat into myself. Thoughts of self-hate rushing through my mind make it so difficult to breathe.

I feel like throwing up.

The sickening image of a girl in a youtube video shoving her fingers down her throat over the toilet crosses my mind. I don’t want to be like her. I don’t need another eating disorder.

I’m a repeat offender, a repeat binger. It kills me inside to say it. I never wanted to be this way. But I am.

Hatred, disgust, guilt, shame. Emotions I am more than familiar with swirl within my heart. It’s too much for me.

So I dissociate further.

I’m a repeat offender; doing ten to life for a crime I wish I didn’t commit.

-E