How could they?

So many words are trapped within a mind littered with shards of glass so thin; banging against the iron walls, screaming for a way out, slicing open old wounds to try to ease the pain of what was done unto you; that evil that was forced upon you… How could they let this happen? How could they?

-E

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Reflections of a BPD warrior

This year, 2017, has been the year of worst moments for me. From a rough breakup at the beginning of the year, to an overdose, to a hospitalization period, to months of major depression, to another hospitalization period, to more months of major depression while trying to stay in school. All while at the mercy of multiple medications that have practically turned my brain into mush.

PURE MADNESS.

My body and my soul have been washed away by pills upon pills of toxic substances that have plagued my mind. With no control over what happens, I am forced to take everything as it comes. Every memory lost, every unfocused moment, every blank stare, every pound gained, all of it.

As strong as I am, at times I can’t help but feel as though I am losing something. Perhaps I am losing myself. Losing my own sense of belonging in this world. Losing a battle I no longer wish to fight.

The feeling of falling comes to mind; as if I’m tumbling down with nothing to save me. Each day a new beginning but each day a failed attempt to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and soul and make them whole again. No matter how hard I try, there just isn’t a light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Days go by, and I barely notice as the time passes. This is not normalcy. This is not real life. But what constitutes as normal? I believe that there is no such definition since the world is filled with so many unique ways of living. This may seem off topic, but it correlates with what I am experiencing. I am not experiencing “normalcy.” I am experiencing an utterly complicated and twisted form of life that only those who suffer from similar kinds of this life will understand.

Recovery is no simple path. For me, it has been one hell of a journey. I am still in recovery and in no way through it. Some days are blurred and uncontrollable, others have more clarity. I suspect that there will be many more of these days before I can genuinely see a difference in my quality of life. But until then, I am forced to do nothing but take it one day at a time and fight each battle as it comes.

-E

Week 1

Hey, everyone!

I’m so sorry I’ve been silent this past week. Getting settled into the treatment centre has been a bit challenging for me.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would put up a post about my first day here at the treatment centre. Little did I know my first day was rougher than I thought it would be. It was awful, actually. So in light of this, I’ve decided to write about my first week instead of my first day, since I think it will be less triggering for me to recall.

During my first week here at the centre, I have experienced so many emotions, and I have honestly no idea how to process them. It’s been one hell of a time adjusting to the way things are around here. I’m still trying to fit in. Being here is triggering for me, but I’m trying to work through that as best as I can.

I’ve been trying to stay active, and I’m reading and journaling every day so that I can hopefully keep my spirits up. I may post my journal entries from each day once I leave but I’m still debating on doing that. I’ll keep you guys updated on that later on.

The groups I have to attend are okay. I find myself not able to focus on them though which is a bad thing I guess. Maybe it’s the medications, but I just can’t figure out why I can’t keep my head straight on anything. It’s getting annoying actually.

The meals here are a hit and miss. Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re not. At least I’m not starving.

Honestly, I still don’t know if this program is the right one for me. I keep trying to tell myself it’s going to get better, but I don’t feel like it will. I still have moments when I want to go home. These moments overtake my mind and won’t stop screaming at me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want the help so I can get better, but I want a different help than what the centre is offering. Ugh! The struggle is real, as they say.

Anyways, this is just a little update about what’s been going on. Hopefully, my second week will be better.

Sending lots of love and good vibes to all of you.

Xoxo

-E

​’Finding Elena’ NOW AVAILABLE

Well, here we are, my dear friends. I’m finally able to take a deep breath and say, “It’s finished! My book ‘Finding Elena‘ is NOW AVAILABLE.

OH, MY GOD. HOW COOL IS THAT? I AM BEYOND EXCITED FOR THIS RELEASE.

This book is a huge accomplishment for me. I have poured my life, my heart, and my soul into these pages and I am overwhelmed with excitement that it is finally published. The continuous work I have put in has finally paid off.

I am also very grateful to my family, my friends and my publishing team for all of their support, love, and efforts to make this book possible. I could not have done it without them. My family has been there for me every step of the way, and I could not be more in debt to them for everything they have done for me. My friends have been there for me and shown me so much love even when I was down, and I am grateful for their kindness. My publishing team has been diligently working hard to make sure my standards were met and that the book looks amazing.

I am just so thankful to be able to do this, and so blessed to be able to share it with all of you.

So here it is. ‘Finding Elena.’ My heart and soul splayed out on white pages for you. My everything in the grasp of your hands. Get your copy today!

Finding Elena is available on Createspace. Soon to be available on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: https://www.createspace.com/7164582

xoxo

-E

PODCAST IS LIVE!

Everyone! My first episode of my podcast is out NOW!!! Check it out! 🎙 Link is below.

My First Book

So, I’m putting together my very first book. Exciting right? I thought so too. Apparently so did a few other people I know that have not failed to put their two cents into the creation of this book and its process. Oh well, they’re helpful, so I’ll take it.

I am beyond hopeful that this book helps people understand what it is like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Binge-Eating Disorder (BED), and Depression. It’s a lot I know. Tell me about it; I have to live with all of it. It sucks most of the time.

On a lighter note, I think this book is also going to give hope to those who suffer from mental illness because I try to end on positive notes at the end of my pieces. I also don’t like having my readers feeling sad as they read what I write, but sometimes I have to be dark and twisty with my words. It’s the only way I can honestly express myself for some things.

Below is the table of contents with the titles of all the pieces I plan on putting in the book. I am still working on the title, but I suspect that will be the last feat I will have to overcome with this masterpiece I am trying to create and publish.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

*Pictures I’ve taken will go between all mini-essays and poems.*

A Gallery of Thoughts and Feelings / Thoughts and Words: A Memoir / My Personal Gallery / Finding my Way / Finding Elena / 

  1. Introduction
  2. That Feeling of Icy Emptiness
  3. That Feeling
  4. A Nightmare Dressed as a Daydream
  5. Road to Recovery: My Mental Health Journey
  6. Rock Bottom
  7. Blank Pages
  8. Anxiety
  9. The Silent Killer
  10. 16 Days
  11. 16 Days of Lessons
  12. The Media and Mental Health
  13. Scars
  14. Ripped to Shreds
  15. How I got BPD and tried to cover it up with food and smiling
  16. Tattoos
  17. My Biggest Trigger
  18. Labels
  19. Shame
  20. Self-love and Acceptance
  21. I’m Sorry
  22. Undone
  23. Because I am Continuing

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This has been a sneak preview of what my book is going to be about. If you haven’t followed through, reading my blog from the beginning, I suggest you do. This book is essentially a selection of blog posts that I have written, along with photos I have taken, put together into one little book that hopefully will capture your interest.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m scared as hell to do this; especially since I’m still in university and I’m only 20 (going on 21 soon!). Many writers are older than I am. But I won’t let that stop me. I am publishing this book for me, my fellow sufferers, and those who do not understand mental illness. This is for us, my friends, for us.

-E

Self-love and Acceptance

To love your body for what it is and what it does for you is something that many people struggle with. In fact, I have only met one person who is okay and happy with themselves in my entire life. This is something that pains me because as a beautiful and talented human species, we should love ourselves for what our bodies are able to do.

Self-love. The act of loving your own person without question or judgment. Acceptance. The act of knowing what your body is capable of, and understanding what it is not able to do, and being okay with that; whatever that is.

For me, self-love and acceptance of myself have been a major struggle throughout my entire life. I never liked how I looked or what I wore or how I was. I still don’t. I look in the mirror and cringe at the fat that hangs from my stomach because I can’t control my binge-eating disorder.

My relationship with food has never been a good one. Ever since I was little, it has been a constant battle between eating the right foods and having control of the portions on my plate. It has also been a humiliating experience. Family members telling you to stop eating because you’re getting fat, family members taking food away from you because they know you’ll eat it. Family members saying you got bigger and need to lose weight. Family members always saying something about your weight or the food your eating or telling you to exercise or looking at you funny and lying to you about how you look. Yes, I have had it all.

I’m crying as I’m writing this because it is so painful. I have so much self-hatred for my impulsivity and lack of control with food. I have such a hard time admitting to myself and others that I need help with this. Although, just because I need help with it, Does NOT give people the right or the ability to say something to me about it. Those words that those family members said stung like acid in my eyes.

I know I have to accept myself the way I am at some point but I don’t know when that will be or how it will happen. I guess I’m just going to have to play the waiting game on that one. For now, I think I’m going to focus on self-love. I have a book about it, so I’m going to make an effort to read it and try to follow some of the suggestions that might be written in this book. I have yet to even crack it open and look at the inside cover. Not a good start but I’ll get there at some point… At least I hope I will.

To love yourself is a beautiful thing. I wish I could love all of me, but so far, I have only just started accepting minor imperfections of myself. I won’t go into details but accepting these imperfections is a HUGE step for me. I am so proud that I am able to be okay with these little perfect mistakes that are part of me and make me who I am.

Below are some photos that I believe are a fantastic start to spreading awareness about body positivity and self-worth.

“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.” – Wear Your Label

I have shared these images previously on social media to convey a message that it’s okay to not be a size zero. It’s also okay to have cellulite and stretch marks. It’s all okay. And if you are a size zero and everywhere in between, I want you to know that it’s okay too. You are beautiful at any size. I am not a size zero, and I will probably never be a size zero, and that’s okay! I have friends that are a size zero, and I love them with all my heart. I also have friends that are not a size zero, and I also love them with all my heart.

For me, self-image is a large part of my insecurity, depression and social anxiety (thanks for that, BPD). But even though I don’t like what I see in the mirror, that does NOT negate the fact that I have beautiful qualities. The same goes for you. You are beautiful even though your eyes and your brain are trying to tell you that you’re not.

SO DON’T LISTEN TO THEM. THEY’RE BOTH LIARS.

Listen to me right now, at this very moment, you are the oldest you have ever been. You are also the most beautiful and developed that you have ever been. Do NOT let your mind wander to negative self-talk. Control your mind to think good thoughts about yourself and do NOT relapse. This is where the real work comes in. Loving yourself is hard work! Put in the time and do whatever you need to do to feel okay with yourself. You will not regret it, I promise.

Xoxo

-E