Personal

Reflections of a BPD warrior

This year, 2017, has been the year of worst moments for me. From a rough breakup at the beginning of the year, to an overdose, to a hospitalization period, to months of major depression, to another hospitalization period, to more months of major depression while trying to stay in school. All while at the mercy of multiple medications that have practically turned my brain into mush.

PURE MADNESS.

My body and my soul have been washed away by pills upon pills of toxic substances that have plagued my mind. With no control over what happens, I am forced to take everything as it comes. Every memory lost, every unfocused moment, every blank stare, every pound gained, all of it.

As strong as I am, at times I can’t help but feel as though I am losing something. Perhaps I am losing myself. Losing my own sense of belonging in this world. Losing a battle I no longer wish to fight.

The feeling of falling comes to mind; as if I’m tumbling down with nothing to save me. Each day a new beginning but each day a failed attempt to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and soul and make them whole again. No matter how hard I try, there just isn’t a light at the end of the dark tunnel.

Days go by, and I barely notice as the time passes. This is not normalcy. This is not real life. But what constitutes as normal? I believe that there is no such definition since the world is filled with so many unique ways of living. This may seem off topic, but it correlates with what I am experiencing. I am not experiencing “normalcy.” I am experiencing an utterly complicated and twisted form of life that only those who suffer from similar kinds of this life will understand.

Recovery is no simple path. For me, it has been one hell of a journey. I am still in recovery and in no way through it. Some days are blurred and uncontrollable, others have more clarity. I suspect that there will be many more of these days before I can genuinely see a difference in my quality of life. But until then, I am forced to do nothing but take it one day at a time and fight each battle as it comes.

-E

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Novels

​’Finding Elena’ NOW AVAILABLE

Well, here we are, my dear friends. I’m finally able to take a deep breath and say, “It’s finished! My book ‘Finding Elena‘ is NOW AVAILABLE.

OH, MY GOD. HOW COOL IS THAT? I AM BEYOND EXCITED FOR THIS RELEASE.

This book is a huge accomplishment for me. I have poured my life, my heart, and my soul into these pages and I am overwhelmed with excitement that it is finally published. The continuous work I have put in has finally paid off.

I am also very grateful to my family, my friends and my publishing team for all of their support, love, and efforts to make this book possible. I could not have done it without them. My family has been there for me every step of the way, and I could not be more in debt to them for everything they have done for me. My friends have been there for me and shown me so much love even when I was down, and I am grateful for their kindness. My publishing team has been diligently working hard to make sure my standards were met and that the book looks amazing.

I am just so thankful to be able to do this, and so blessed to be able to share it with all of you.

So here it is. ‘Finding Elena.’ My heart and soul splayed out on white pages for you. My everything in the grasp of your hands. Get your copy today!

Finding Elena is available on Createspace. Soon to be available on Amazon and Kindle. Here is the link: https://www.createspace.com/7164582

xoxo

-E

Audio

PODCAST – EPISODE 1 OUT NOW!!!

Good evening my lovelies! Hope you are all doing well today and every day. Just an announcement that episode one of my podcast is now posted!

Here is the link: https://www.spreaker.com/user/9881094/episode-1-body-acceptance

Hope you all enjoy! Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

xoxo

-E

Audio

PODCAST IS LIVE!

Everyone! My first episode of my podcast is out NOW!!! Check it out! 🎙 Link is below.

Personal

Damage control​

Hi, guys. So my last blog post was a little “dark and twisty,” as Meredith Grey would say (I love Grey’s Anatomy!). I apologize for that. I needed to get that out and put it on the table before I could even think clearly enough to write this blog post. This one will be better I promise.

Two nights ago was really hard for me. I binged. Hard. I felt so sick after, and the guilt and shame I felt after the binge were immensely overpowering. It was a lot for me.

I’m still trying to understand it all, but I think I know what caused the binge.

Boredom.

I was bored from not doing anything after the little workout I did earlier in the day. I tried to fill my time with meaningful things to do that would fulfill me more than food would, but I got bored after a while and started getting hungry, and then the next thing I knew was that I was eating, and completely dissociated.

I know from experience that this is not good for me. I’m still trying to identify at what point I need to step away from my mind and find a sense of calm within myself so that I don’t binge. But that will come in time; sooner rather than later I hope.

So, how can I make this a positive post rather than a negative one? Well, to be honest with you I really don’t know. This is just another “thing” I have to deal with on top of everything else, so I’m trying to hold on to sanity as much as possible. I’m just hoping the next day will be better. I’m hoping I can be free soon.

-E

Personal

Repeat offender

It happened again. Guilt dripping from the corners of my mouth. I promised myself it wouldn’t happen again. But it did.

I dissociated.

And then I binged.

The shame wells up inside of me, and I slowly retreat into myself. Thoughts of self-hate rushing through my mind make it so difficult to breathe.

I feel like throwing up.

The sickening image of a girl in a youtube video shoving her fingers down her throat over the toilet crosses my mind. I don’t want to be like her. I don’t need another eating disorder.

I’m a repeat offender, a repeat binger. It kills me inside to say it. I never wanted to be this way. But I am.

Hatred, disgust, guilt, shame. Emotions I am more than familiar with swirl within my heart. It’s too much for me.

So I dissociate further.

I’m a repeat offender; doing ten to life for a crime I wish I didn’t commit.

-E

Novels

My First Book

So, I’m putting together my very first book. Exciting right? I thought so too. Apparently so did a few other people I know that have not failed to put their two cents into the creation of this book and its process. Oh well, they’re helpful, so I’ll take it.

I am beyond hopeful that this book helps people understand what it is like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), Binge-Eating Disorder (BED), and Depression. It’s a lot I know. Tell me about it; I have to live with all of it. It sucks most of the time.

On a lighter note, I think this book is also going to give hope to those who suffer from mental illness because I try to end on positive notes at the end of my pieces. I also don’t like having my readers feeling sad as they read what I write, but sometimes I have to be dark and twisty with my words. It’s the only way I can honestly express myself for some things.

Below is the table of contents with the titles of all the pieces I plan on putting in the book. I am still working on the title, but I suspect that will be the last feat I will have to overcome with this masterpiece I am trying to create and publish.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

*Pictures I’ve taken will go between all mini-essays and poems.*

A Gallery of Thoughts and Feelings / Thoughts and Words: A Memoir / My Personal Gallery / Finding my Way / Finding Elena / 

  1. Introduction
  2. That Feeling of Icy Emptiness
  3. That Feeling
  4. A Nightmare Dressed as a Daydream
  5. Road to Recovery: My Mental Health Journey
  6. Rock Bottom
  7. Blank Pages
  8. Anxiety
  9. The Silent Killer
  10. 16 Days
  11. 16 Days of Lessons
  12. The Media and Mental Health
  13. Scars
  14. Ripped to Shreds
  15. How I got BPD and tried to cover it up with food and smiling
  16. Tattoos
  17. My Biggest Trigger
  18. Labels
  19. Shame
  20. Self-love and Acceptance
  21. I’m Sorry
  22. Undone
  23. Because I am Continuing

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This has been a sneak preview of what my book is going to be about. If you haven’t followed through, reading my blog from the beginning, I suggest you do. This book is essentially a selection of blog posts that I have written, along with photos I have taken, put together into one little book that hopefully will capture your interest.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m scared as hell to do this; especially since I’m still in university and I’m only 20 (going on 21 soon!). Many writers are older than I am. But I won’t let that stop me. I am publishing this book for me, my fellow sufferers, and those who do not understand mental illness. This is for us, my friends, for us.

-E