Check-in

Hey, everyone,

I’m sorry I’ve been silent this past couple of weeks. I’ve been busy at the treatment centre trying to get better. This is just to check-in with you guys to let you know I’m doing okay, and that I’ll be here for another few weeks before I go back to university. Hope you’re all doing well. Sending good vibes your way.

Xoxo

-E

Week 1

Hey, everyone!

I’m so sorry I’ve been silent this past week. Getting settled into the treatment centre has been a bit challenging for me.

In my last post, I mentioned that I would put up a post about my first day here at the treatment centre. Little did I know my first day was rougher than I thought it would be. It was awful, actually. So in light of this, I’ve decided to write about my first week instead of my first day, since I think it will be less triggering for me to recall.

During my first week here at the centre, I have experienced so many emotions, and I have honestly no idea how to process them. It’s been one hell of a time adjusting to the way things are around here. I’m still trying to fit in. Being here is triggering for me, but I’m trying to work through that as best as I can.

I’ve been trying to stay active, and I’m reading and journaling every day so that I can hopefully keep my spirits up. I may post my journal entries from each day once I leave but I’m still debating on doing that. I’ll keep you guys updated on that later on.

The groups I have to attend are okay. I find myself not able to focus on them though which is a bad thing I guess. Maybe it’s the medications, but I just can’t figure out why I can’t keep my head straight on anything. It’s getting annoying actually.

The meals here are a hit and miss. Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re not. At least I’m not starving.

Honestly, I still don’t know if this program is the right one for me. I keep trying to tell myself it’s going to get better, but I don’t feel like it will. I still have moments when I want to go home. These moments overtake my mind and won’t stop screaming at me.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want the help so I can get better, but I want a different help than what the centre is offering. Ugh! The struggle is real, as they say.

Anyways, this is just a little update about what’s been going on. Hopefully, my second week will be better.

Sending lots of love and good vibes to all of you.

Xoxo

-E

Real talk

I’ve been struggling a lot internally lately. I haven’t been feeling the greatest these past few weeks either. I know I’m supposed to be getting better every day since I’m in recovery but I don’t feel better. I think I feel myself getting worse; if that’s even possible.

My mind refuses to shut off. Each thought is a stab to my heart. My motivation is down, and I can barely get off the couch some days. I’m having a hard time coping with my roller coaster emotions that keep hitting me like a wall. My insides are screaming, “help me!” “Save me!” But I don’t think anyone is listening.

This is why I have made the conscious decision to help myself even more. I have decided to go to a facility in the Guelph, Ontario area for more treatment. This has been a huge decision on my part as well as my family, but I believe it will be of help to my mental health and overall well being in the long run.

The program is 56 days, and I will participate in this program up until school resumes in September. Starting on Wednesday, I will be working extra hard towards feeling better and making sure I am prepared for all that life has to throw at me in the future.

Do not worry, I will continue to blog and podcast as much as I can while I am there. Although my focus will be on my recovery, I will not forget you, my wonderful readers and listeners. So, stay tuned for the ‘Day one’ blog post I’ll write later this week once I get settled in. You won’t want to miss out on that.

So, am I ready for this? I don’t know. I may get fed up with the whole idea and come home in a few weeks. Who knows? But do I need to do this? Yes. I need to try. I need to do this for me. I need to work on myself to make myself better. This is so important. This is what will hopefully give me a push in the right direction. I hope you all understand.

Many thanks,

-E

Words from a beautiful stranger

I’m writing this blog post as my coffee is brewing so, please bare with me.

I woke up this morning (quite early, I might add), to a beautiful stranger writing to me. They wrote some very inspiring words. These words made me think about why I write and why I podcast, and I came to one conclusion. I do this for others to resonate with my struggles and to have someone on their side who “gets it.” I also do it for me, so I can reach out and connect with others who understand or who are trying to understand mental illness. Connecting to other people helps me with my recovery as well as it helps others gain a supporter and a friend.

Mic drop.

There’s my inspiration for the day. Thank you, beautiful stranger.

I do this not only for myself, but to help others as well. That is the essence of why I started this blog, why I wrote a book, and why I recently started the podcast. I want to make sure people know they are not alone in this. It’s a long road to recovery, and it can feel like you are the only person walking that path. Trust me, I know what it feels like, and it’s not fun at all.

My words are meant to inspire others to walk the path of healing. To be brave and do for themselves what no one else has done before. To take care of themselves before they take care of anyone else. That is the point.

This person’s comment has made me come to realize many things. That not only am I here to recover and be strong, but to also support others in their own recovery as well.

WOW.

What an honor.

I am so blessed to be able to do what I do with the support of my family and friends. Without them, I would not be able to help you guys. I would not be where I am today.

Having that support team is so crucial. I know from experience that it feels super lonely a lot when you’re trying to understand what’s going on inside your own mind as well as fix yourself. IT IS HELL, let me tell you. Not a day goes by where I wish I had just one person who understands me clearly and who can see through me to my soul.

So here I am, ready to be your support system. Ready to write what you need, podcast what you feel and say what no one else will to help you recover. I welcome all of you with open arms and a warm heart, to lean on my words when you need them. Trust me when I say it can help. Let me be part of your support team. I will do my best to not let you down.

-E

Writer’s block

I’ve been finding it hard to write these past few days. The words are muddled and somehow will not flow out through my fingers and onto the keyboard as freely as they usually do. I don’t know why this is the case, but I’m determined to find out.

This writer’s block has been happening for a little while now, and it’s starting to worry me. What if I can’t write anymore? What will I do without it? What about my freedom of expression?

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME?

Nothing, of course. Nothing will happen. I need to relax and calm down. I can write, it’s just I’m having some trouble with it right now.

I need inspiration. But what will inspire me? I don’t know. I guess I will have to wait and see…

Okay, to be completely honest, I haven’t had a huge writer’s block. Just a minor one. Let me explain what I mean.

The words I write are dark and filled with hatred. The words I want to write are filled with joy and hope for the future. It seems to me I can only write words that are dreary. But I want to be better than that. I want to rise above the negative self-talk and be stronger than my demons; stronger than my weaknesses.

You feel me? I hope so.

It’s so frustrating to not be able to write what I want. But maybe I need to write the negative to write the positive. Hmm…

In all honesty, I don’t know what to do. I’m just waiting for a sign or something to spark an interest in the creative part of my mind. More on that later I guess. Right now I think I’m going to have some dinner and grab a book to read.

Until next time my loves.

-E

The Enemy

The past two days have been difficult for me to cope with. My mind has been in shambles trying to grasp why I cannot seem to find peace within myself about my body. Even though I am in recovery, I question whether or not I am able to recover after all the years of abuse I have put my body through.

Self-hatred, self-criticism and so many others are my weapons of choice.

I don’t know where else to turn. I try to stay positive as much as I can, but it feels like a permanent cloud has drifted over me and I will never see the sunlight; only the rain falling, pitter patter on my beating heart.

The tears well up in my eyes and I let them fall with the rain.

I don’t know what else to do. I’m losing the will to fight again.

Chills run up and down my spine as the rain soaks me with its infectious comfort. I welcome the familiar feeling of sadness.

I don’t know how else to save myself.

-E

Damage control​

Hi, guys. So my last blog post was a little “dark and twisty,” as Meredith Grey would say (I love Grey’s Anatomy!). I apologize for that. I needed to get that out and put it on the table before I could even think clearly enough to write this blog post. This one will be better I promise.

Two nights ago was really hard for me. I binged. Hard. I felt so sick after, and the guilt and shame I felt after the binge were immensely overpowering. It was a lot for me.

I’m still trying to understand it all, but I think I know what caused the binge.

Boredom.

I was bored from not doing anything after the little workout I did earlier in the day. I tried to fill my time with meaningful things to do that would fulfill me more than food would, but I got bored after a while and started getting hungry, and then the next thing I knew was that I was eating, and completely dissociated.

I know from experience that this is not good for me. I’m still trying to identify at what point I need to step away from my mind and find a sense of calm within myself so that I don’t binge. But that will come in time; sooner rather than later I hope.

So, how can I make this a positive post rather than a negative one? Well, to be honest with you I really don’t know. This is just another “thing” I have to deal with on top of everything else, so I’m trying to hold on to sanity as much as possible. I’m just hoping the next day will be better. I’m hoping I can be free soon.

-E