The Enemy

The past two days have been difficult for me to cope with. My mind has been in shambles trying to grasp why I cannot seem to find peace within myself about my body. Even though I am in recovery, I question whether or not I am able to recover after all the years of abuse I have put my body through.

Self-hatred, self-criticism and so many others are my weapons of choice.

I don’t know where else to turn. I try to stay positive as much as I can, but it feels like a permanent cloud has drifted over me and I will never see the sunlight; only the rain falling, pitter patter on my beating heart.

The tears well up in my eyes and I let them fall with the rain.

I don’t know what else to do. I’m losing the will to fight again.

Chills run up and down my spine as the rain soaks me with its infectious comfort. I welcome the familiar feeling of sadness.

I don’t know how else to save myself.

-E

Damage control​

Hi, guys. So my last blog post was a little “dark and twisty,” as Meredith Grey would say (I love Grey’s Anatomy!). I apologize for that. I needed to get that out and put it on the table before I could even think clearly enough to write this blog post. This one will be better I promise.

Two nights ago was really hard for me. I binged. Hard. I felt so sick after, and the guilt and shame I felt after the binge were immensely overpowering. It was a lot for me.

I’m still trying to understand it all, but I think I know what caused the binge.

Boredom.

I was bored from not doing anything after the little workout I did earlier in the day. I tried to fill my time with meaningful things to do that would fulfill me more than food would, but I got bored after a while and started getting hungry, and then the next thing I knew was that I was eating, and completely dissociated.

I know from experience that this is not good for me. I’m still trying to identify at what point I need to step away from my mind and find a sense of calm within myself so that I don’t binge. But that will come in time; sooner rather than later I hope.

So, how can I make this a positive post rather than a negative one? Well, to be honest with you I really don’t know. This is just another “thing” I have to deal with on top of everything else, so I’m trying to hold on to sanity as much as possible. I’m just hoping the next day will be better. I’m hoping I can be free soon.

-E

Repeat offender

It happened again. Guilt dripping from the corners of my mouth. I promised myself it wouldn’t happen again. But it did.

I dissociated.

And then I binged.

The shame wells up inside of me, and I slowly retreat into myself. Thoughts of self-hate rushing through my mind make it so difficult to breathe.

I feel like throwing up.

The sickening image of a girl in a youtube video shoving her fingers down her throat over the toilet crosses my mind. I don’t want to be like her. I don’t need another eating disorder.

I’m a repeat offender, a repeat binger. It kills me inside to say it. I never wanted to be this way. But I am.

Hatred, disgust, guilt, shame. Emotions I am more than familiar with swirl within my heart. It’s too much for me.

So I dissociate further.

I’m a repeat offender; doing ten to life for a crime I wish I didn’t commit.

-E

Coffee

What wondrous things can a cup of steaming, freshly brewed coffee do?

A cup of coffee brings my imagination abroad to little coffee shops in Italy on the corners of the street with bustling bodies running in and out. It also takes me to springtime, when all the blooming flowers and creatures are waking up from their winter slumber.

If you think about it, coffee is the fuel of society. We depend on this drink as if it were life or death. We even go as far as going out of our way to get our preferred cup from the coffee shop we regularly attend every morning before work or school. Funny how that is.

I know I have no place to say anything because I do the EXACT same thing. There’s a cute coffee shop in my hometown in the heart of the city’s center. It’s the one I go to every weekend to get the same thing because I love it. And you know what? That’s ok! It’s a preference! No judgment here. If you like it, get it. Simple as that. Everyone agree? Yes? Good.

A cup of coffee can do many things, but it does one extra little thing for me that I appreciate more than anything. It gives me hope for a good day ahead, a fresh start, a happier time. And that, my friends, is an amazing thing.

-E

Sundays

It’s May. The spring flowers are in full bloom, and the air is filled with a scent of freshly brewed coffee. The sun is shining brightly over the city. Spring has finally settled in nicely, and people are out enjoying their Sunday. Talking, laughing, planning, just being in the moment. How fascinating this is to me.

I tousle my hair for the hundredth time since I took a shower this morning and straighten my maxi skirt. Breathe, Elena, breathe. It’s just a coffee shop I tell myself. I patter up the stone stairs and pull open the door. I am immediately wafted with delicious smells of coffee, breakfast food, and baked goods.

It’s a cute little shop, retro, and hip. The patterned walls with artwork displayed on them throughout the place and cushioned couches with small tables give a homey feel to the ambiance. Not to mention the tunes playing on the speakers. Not too out of date but old enough to give it a vintage feel as well.

I enjoy coming here just to sit and relax and enjoy a hot beverage or some food and read or write. It is comforting and spacious, busy and empty, loud and quiet, happy and playful; but most of all it is calming. The people that surround me seem at ease with the place and with each other. Chatting lightly about anything and everything, enjoying the company around them. Delightful.

I order my food and my favorite tea at the front and then sit down in the far corner near the window. I open up my laptop and begin to write this chapter. With breakfast in my belly and a tea close by I type what comes to mind.

This for me is happiness. This is what Sundays should be like all the time.

What makes this experience so great is the fact that I didn’t need someone to be there to validate me or my decisions. I am hanging out with myself. Cool. I can handle being in a public place alone without much anxiety. This is a huge accomplishment, and I could not be prouder. Good job, me. You’re killing it!

Overcome your fears and they will not control you. Be fierce, my darlings, be unstoppable.

-E

Book 2

Here is a small exerpt from the first chapter of book 2! I have already started writing it, yes, and I am so excited to share this with you all! Book 2 will be out later this year.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

After a while the words just fall; fall out of my hand onto the paper like a thick, molasses-like substance. Fall out of my mouth like hot lava. The words singe the fraying curtains and send sparks flying when they hit the hardwood floor.

My quiet, Toronto-based one bedroom apartment is simple really. Hardwood floors, patterned throw pillows on a velveteen couch, patterned quilts on a queen sized bed, books, and papers stacked high all around and placed somewhat neatly on shelves, a rustic kitchen that does the trick, a bathroom complete with glass doors to enclose the water from the shower, and finally, a balcony that looks out onto the loud and busy streets of Toronto. My little sanctuary, my home.

I moved here after finishing my bachelor of honors degree in journalism at Humber Lakeshore. I am currently working as a columnist for Vice Canada. I occasionally write features and do audio pieces such as podcasts, but for the most part, I write columns. I’m hoping to do more work with audio journalism soon, but for now print is where I am going to stay.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Hope you enjoyed! Stay tuned for more updates on when my first book will be published (hopefully soon!) as well as for when my second book will debut. Thank you to all my readers for the support and love you show. It is an honour to have you in my life and I hold a special place for you in my heart. Thank you, thank you, thanl you!

xoxo

-E

And on we go…​

Well, here I am. Back again at the writing board. I took a week’s break to collect myself and work eight hours for five consecutive days wishing I was at home writing or reading with a coffee in my hand. I know, stressful right?

I recently got this job, and yes, it is sort of stressful in a way, even though I’m sitting and flattening my bum the entire time. But a job is a job, and I’m a student who needs to make money to pay her dues, so this job is where I’m spending exceedingly large amounts of my time. Ew. Too much sitting.

In other news, I have made up my mind that I will be writing another book. Book 2. Wow, that’s going to be awesome. My first one hasn’t even been published yet, and I am already looking ahead to the future book that will be published in due time. Just awesome.

If you had told me this is what I was going to be doing with my summer break a few months ago, I would have laughed at you and told you to stop lying. I would never have believed you. The fact that I am writing a book for me is a huge accomplishment, especially after all that these past months have thrown at me. I am beyond astounded that I am where I am today after what has happened.

My life has and is still a constant battle with my mental illnesses. But through it all, I still manage to find a way through it all. Whether it be through reading a book or writing, listening to a podcast or some music, going for a run or a walk, having a tea or just simply sitting and being in the moment. My coping strategies have developed from ways of harming myself to ways of improving the situation and helping myself feel better again. Yes! This is a little victory for me.

If you know me, you’ll know that nowadays the small victories mean everything to me. They make me stronger with each passing day. I think it’s important to recognize your own victories over your struggles because it makes you who you are as a person; makes you unique and beautiful. Our struggles shape us into the human beings we all are so we should embrace those struggles, no matter how bad they are (I’ve had awful ones trust me).

And so, on we go. On to better days and bigger things that make us happy and give us joy. On we go to meet new faces and see great places. On to new experiences and adventures, we’ll look back on years from now and enjoy the sweet memories. On to new challenges to fight through and overcome. Onto brighter sunshine and less cloudy days.

To continue on after being knocked down so low has been quite the struggle for me. But I have done it. Survived it. Held on for dear life to the promise of a better life. I know for certain it would have been better for me to not go through my struggles but that’s not how life works. It throws curveballs at you to see if you’re paying attention (better watch out). My struggles were for a good reason and I have come to accept that. Thankfully, I am on a better path to healing.

-E