Aside: Repeat offender

It happened again. Guilt dripping from the corners of my mouth. I promised myself it wouldn’t happen again. But it did.

I dissociated.

And then I binged.

The shame wells up inside of me, and I slowly retreat into myself. Thoughts of self-hate rushing through my mind make it so difficult to breathe.

I feel like throwing up.

The sickening image of a girl in a youtube video shoving her fingers down her throat over the toilet crosses my mind. I don’t want to be like her. I don’t need another eating disorder.

I’m a repeat offender, a repeat binger. It kills me inside to say it. I never wanted to be this way. But I am.

Hatred, disgust, guilt, shame. Emotions I am more than familiar with swirl within my heart. It’s too much for me.

So I dissociate further.

I’m a repeat offender; doing ten to life for a crime I wish I didn’t commit.

-E

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