Mental illness is the silent killer of a human being. It eats away at your mind like an animal feasting on its prey. Triggers lashing out at you from all angles, makes you wonder if living is really worth it. The pounding of thoughts throughout your mind screams at you in anger and hostility. Weakness showed is weakness others know.
As a mental patient in the psychiatric ward of a hospital, I see it all. I see the suffering and the struggle we endure just to make it to the next day. One minute we’re fine and the next the world is crashing down around us and we can’t help but try to end the pain. It’s torture.
No matter how hard we try, it sometimes just doesn’t get better. The days are still useless and dark, the motions we go through are just motions, each breath we take into our strangled lungs burns life fire through thin white paper. We are thin white paper being burned alive each day and no one is saving us. No one.
Falling apart has been the regular routine for me for the past three years. The fake happiness displayed on my social media a barrier to the demons I hide behind closed doors. Some may not believe me, but I am suffering. I am trying to claw my way out of the deep void I have somehow been thrown into. I am trying and I am failing.
I feel the pressure in my chest becoming heavier, choking me to the point of no return. The constriction of my breathing is limiting to my ability to function, a must in today’s society. But what if I can’t function? What if it’s too hard and I can’t do it?
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to burn. I want to throw down a glass object and have it shatter on the ground in front of me as I scour with anger.
I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to suffer. I don’t want to live with this convulsing seizure of hardship anymore. I have lost my fight, I have lost my hope. I have lost the battle against mental illness and it has swallowed me entirely. I have lost.
Flooding harmful thoughts are all that cloud the depths and forefront of my mind, harm that can set me free. I want to be free. I want to fly.