That feeling of icy emptiness

If you’ve ever lost someone close to you, then you’ll be quite familiar with the feeling that comes with it. That feeling of icy emptiness that overcomes every waking moment. You’re not the same anymore. You don’t talk as much; your mind becomes a grey haze that constantly billows with thoughts and memories of the one you lost; you lose interest in the things that you loved to do; you distance yourself from the world and everyone in it; and everything you thought would last forever comes crashing down.

Life seems less pleasant, less appealing, less livable without that person. How will you ever pick yourself up again? Will the suffering always be there? Does true happiness really exist?

It’s tough to see happy couples together enjoying each other’s company. Laughing, smiling, holding hands, embracing each other as if they’ll never let go. It tears your insides apart like a piece of paper that will never be fully whole again.

He was my everything. He made my world spin around and around but I was never dizzy. He picked me up after every breakdown, every fault, every sad moment I dealt with. He was strong and loving, even though I was not. He was patient and kind when I was not. He celebrated my accomplishments with me and loved me even more when I was happy and carefree in my spare moments. He was perfect; he IS perfect and I am not.

But I let him get away. I shut him out and pushed him to his limits. I was sick and I could not differentiate between good girlfriend and bad girlfriend behaviour. I could not even function at a basic level. I was suffering but so was he. I created his suffering. It was me that made life difficult. He gave it his all but it was not enough for the sick version of me. It pains me to realize how much I hurt him.

Be that as it may, progress is no easy task. Suffering still lingers. That feeling of icy emptiness comes back every little while to remind you of your mistakes. Think of it as your emotional conscience. Let it be a reminder to you not to make those mistakes again. The icy cold emptiness I feel right now is haunting, hovering over me like a dark cloud. I am filled with remorse and regret for what happened. I wish I could change the past; I wish I could make things better. But all I get is that feeling of icy emptiness slicing through my heart.

As each day passes, I’m hit with new struggles I have to overcome. Some days it’s even difficult to breathe. I walk around like a zombie in search of life and truth, but am faced with the shock of nothing. An abyss of cold dark nothing.

Looking back now, I should have gotten help sooner. I should have realized I was the problem, realized he did not deserve what I did to him. He was a good man, a great man; he IS a great man. He strives to be better with each passing day, and I want to do the same.

Writing this has been hard, re-living all the moments we shared, all the heartbreak and the tears. It’s tough for me to share my shortcomings and insecurities on such a public forum. But I am not ashamed of who I am. I am working on myself every day to be the best version of myself.

-E

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